DARVO: When the Truth Gets Twisted
Understanding DARVO in Toxic Relationships
“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness.” — Isaiah 5:20
One of the hardest things about an emotionally abusive or destructive relationship is not just the pain of the mistreatment itself, but the confusion that surrounds it.
You're hurting, you speak up, and suddenly—you’re the problem. The moment you name what’s happening, the script flips. Suddenly, the one who wounded you is playing the victim, and you’re being portrayed as the abuser.
This manipulative strategy has a name: DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, and if you've ever tried to set boundaries with a destructive person, you may have been on the receiving end of it.
DARVO is a common form of emotional manipulation used by toxic people to deflect accountability and discredit their victims.
So, let’s break it down, not only from a psychological standpoint, but from a biblical and relational one—because truth and clarity are critical when you're fighting for your emotional and spiritual sanity.
What is DARVO in Emotional Abuse?
DARVO is a manipulation tactic first named by psychologist Jennifer Freyd. It describes a pattern where a perpetrator of harm Denies the behavior, Attacks the person confronting them, and Reverses the roles of Victim and Offender, painting themselves as the injured party.
Let’s look at an example:
Imagine you confront your spouse about ongoing verbal put-downs. You say, “When you call me lazy in front of the kids, it deeply wounds me.” Instead of hearing your pain or taking responsibility, he responds with:
Deny: “I never called you lazy. You’re imagining things.”
Attack: “You’re always so sensitive. Why do you make everything about you?”
Reverse Victim and Offender: “I can’t say anything around you without being accused. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells!”
Suddenly, your pain is erased. Your attempt to speak the truth is twisted. The attention shifts away from his hurtful behavior because now he’s the victim. And you’re left wondering, “Was I wrong to bring it up? Am I being unfair? Is it my fault again?”
This is DARVO in action—a tactic often seen in toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse dynamics.
DARVO in Christian Relationships and Churches
DARVO is especially dangerous in Christian circles because we are called to forgiveness, humility, and peace. But those values can be weaponized by toxic individuals who misuse Scripture to avoid accountability.
Scripture calls us to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) and to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). There’s a reason for this. In an emotionally abusive relationship, someone engaging in DARVO can weaponize Christian kindness and forgiveness to deflect accountability. They may even twist Scripture to distort reality, creating confusion and justifying emotional or spiritual abuse.
Here’s how DARVO might sound with a religious twist:
“You need to forgive seventy times seven.” (As a way to avoid accountability.)
“You're not being submissive.” (When you ask for respect or boundaries.)
“You’re causing division in the body.” (Because you exposed an abusive leader.)
“You're the bitter one, not me.” (When you finally name the truth.)
These manipulative uses of Scripture can keep victims trapped in emotionally abusive “Christian” relationships.
DARVO turns the victim into the villain. And it often works—especially when the victim is already unsure of herself, isolated, or emotionally worn down.
Why DARVO is So Confusing and Dangerous
If you’ve experienced DARVO, you know how disorienting it is. Why? Because it’s not just a lie—it’s a reversal of truth. It puts you on the defensive. You begin questioning your memory, your motives, even your sanity.
DARVO often overlaps with gaslighting, intensifying the psychological damage. Both aim to erase your reality. But DARVO goes further: it tries to make you feel morally wrong for even speaking up.
That’s why so many women in emotionally destructive relationships stay silent. They know what happened, but they can’t explain it in a way others will understand—especially when the abuser is charming, respected, or skilled at playing the victim.
The Emotional Impact of DARVO on Victims
Over time, experiencing DARVO repeatedly leads to:
Self-doubt: “Maybe I am too sensitive.”
Isolation: “No one will believe me.”
Shame: “Why can’t I just let it go?”
Despair: “I’ll never be safe or heard.”
These effects are real. DARVO not only blocks accountability—it compounds the trauma of the original harm. It damages your trust in your own perceptions and can even alienate you from your community or church, especially if others are drawn into the reversal or support your abuser.
What the Bible Says About Abuse, Truth, and Accountability
God is not a God of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33), and He is never complicit in abuse.
In Ezekiel 34, the Lord speaks directly to shepherds (leaders) who abuse and exploit the weak. He promises that He will rescue His sheep from those who have bullied and harmed them.
“You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd…therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the Lord: This is what the Sovereign Lord says: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock.” — Ezekiel 34:4-5, 9
God sees every misuse of power and is deeply grieved by it. He stands with the wounded. And, He equips us with truth, wisdom, and community so we don’t have to stay silent or confused.
How to Respond to DARVO and Abuse
When you begin to recognize DARVO, you gain power. You may not be able to change the other person, but you can refuse to internalize their twisted version of events.
Here’s how:
1. Name It Without Shame
Recognize that DARVO is a tactic—not a reflection of your character. You are not “too sensitive” for noticing harm. You are not the problem for setting boundaries. Naming the pattern is the first step toward clarity.
“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” — Ephesians 5:11
2. Stay Grounded in Reality
Keep a journal of what happened and when. If possible, seek out a wise, safe counselor or support group that affirms your experience. You may also consider working with a Christian coach or therapist who understands emotional abuse.
Truth-telling is not gossip. It’s part of healing and it's how we stay aligned with God.
3. Resist the Urge to Over-Explain
DARVO thrives when you start defending yourself. But you don’t owe a manipulator your constant justification.
“No” is a complete sentence. “That’s not true” is a legitimate response.
Jesus often refused to debate with those who had no intention of listening. You can do the same.
4. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
It is godly to protect your heart (Proverbs 4:23). You are not responsible for managing another adult’s emotions, especially when they use those emotions to control you.
Whether it’s a temporary separation, a clear boundary around communication, or removing yourself from a toxic church, these are not acts of rebellion—they are acts of obedience to your own healing and to God.
For the Church: Recognizing and Resisting DARVO
Leaders and Christian communities need to become better at spotting DARVO—because too often, they’re unwittingly complicit. If the church automatically “stays neutral” or encourages the victim to reconcile before repentance, it reinforces the reversal and deepens the harm.
Neutrality in the face of abuse is not peacekeeping—it’s injustice.
Accountability is not unloving. Grace is not enabling. The church must be a place of truth-telling, not image management.
When someone speaks up about abuse or betrayal, our first response should not be, “Are you sure?” or “Let’s not judge.” Instead, we ask:
“How can I listen and support you?”
What does this person need right now to feel heard, believed, and protected?
“What does justice and healing look like here?”
How can we hold leadership or offenders accountable in truth?
You’re Not Crazy, and You’re Not Alone
If you’re reading this and recognizing DARVO in your life, I want to say clearly: You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not imagining it.
Your voice matters to God. Your boundaries matter. Your healing matters.
You do not have to prove your worth to someone who constantly rewrites the story to protect themselves. God is the One who sees all things clearly—and He stands with the oppressed, the voiceless, and the brokenhearted.
He is near to you (Psalm 34:18), and He equips you with wisdom, courage, and the strength to stand—even if you stand alone for a season.
Reflection:
Where have I experienced DARVO in my relationships?
How have I responded, and what patterns have I seen?
What truth do I need to hold onto, even if others don’t believe it?
Who are my safe people? Who can I invite into my healing journey?
Prayer for Healing and Wisdom
Dear friend, if you've found yourself exhausted by confusion, dismissed for telling the truth, or doubting your worth because someone reversed the story—this prayer is for you.
I hope these words can be a covering for your heart today.
Lord, give us eyes to see clearly and a heart anchored in Your truth. Help us to resist the lies that twist and confuse. Strengthen us to set boundaries, to speak up, and to walk in the light—even when others try to pull us back into the shadows. We trust that You are a God of justice, mercy, and healing.
Rescue us from fear and self-doubt. Remind us that we are not alone, that You see what others don’t, and that our voice matters. Help us to surround ourselves with wise, safe people who speak truth and offer support. Give us the courage to keep walking—one step at a time—toward freedom, wholeness, and peace.
Thank You for being our refuge and defender when others turn away. We choose to trust You, even in the uncertainty. Amen.
Need help navigating DARVO or emotional abuse from a Christian perspective? Explore our resource library or schedule a free clarity call to start gaining the clarity you need to move forward.
You don’t have to walk this path alone—healing and hope are possible.
Darah Ashlie
Darah Ashlie is the President of Restored for Good Ministries, a Trauma and Abuse Recovery Coach, and an avid writer with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.