When the Pulpit is Used to Abuse: Recognizing Spiritual Abuse and Finding Your Way Out
I just listened to an important podcast on pride and spiritual abuse in church leadership (You can listen here). And one line from the guest, Teasi Canon struck a chord for me: "We're watching the bully pulpit in action."
That phrase has been echoing in my heart ever since, because I know many beautiful souls who have also been wounded by this.
The "bully pulpit" was a term originally coined by President Theodore Roosevelt. At that time, it was meant to be a positive phrase. The pulpit was a place of influence and visibility from which a leader could advocate for good, speak truth, and lead with conviction. But in today’s world of social media, platformed pastors, coverups, and celebrity church culture, the term has taken on a more insidious meaning.
What Happens When Someone Misuses a Bully Pulpit or Position?
Today, the bully pulpit is being misused and it’s even happening in our churches. A spiritual leader begins using their position not to uplift or protect the flock, but to control narratives, protect their own image, and silence dissent. This is very dangerous ground for our churches and can take different forms:
A sermon becomes a “coded” attack aimed at people in the room.
A leader weaponizes vague accusations (often to deflect his own sins) against someone who is too weary or afraid to defend themselves.
A message is used to shame someone instead of shepherd them with truth and love.
Or coercion is used in other ways: behind-the-scenes slander, closed-door "stern talks," board meetings filled with guilting, shaming, or manipulative correction that undermines dignity rather than restores it.
These things are not biblical authority or correction. They are spiritual manipulation and shaming cloaked in religious language. And sadly, it’s happening in churches all around us.
A Real Example: Blaming the One Who Asked for Repentance
I recently watched a sermon from a pastor who condoned significant wrongs in his ministry in the past. A woman had written him a private letter and given it to him at the event he was preaching at, pleading with him to repent. Rather than quietly and humbly reflecting on her words, he used the beginning of his sermon to publicize her letter, and paint her as an attacker. Then, he pivoted to a message about how spiritual leaders are being targeted by the enemy — implying his "suffering" was proof of his righteousness.
But his situation was not persecution for righteousness' sake. It was a consequence for wrongdoing twisted into a false martyr narrative. And this is becoming increasingly common.
A pastor or spiritual leader is called out for sin, and rather than responding with humility, they flip the script—portraying themselves as a victim of a “spiritual attack.” And position their accountability as persecution, and their critic as a slanderer or “false accuser of the brethren,” all in the name of righteousness.
When Leaders Name No Names, But Everyone Knows
A sermon about a "Jezebel spirit" or "false accuser" might not name names, but often the intended target knows exactly who it's about. So do most of the congregation. And usually by the time it makes it into a sermon, talk has spread and the spiritual leader has already begun their “defense” campaign.
From the safety of the platform, a pastor can demonize someone without ever having to take responsibility for their words. And because of their authority, many in the church will believe them and the victim will be silenced and shamed.
Accountability isn’t optional in God’s Kingdom. True shepherds don’t trample their sheep to defend their own image.
Sadly, this kind of prideful pastoring has pushed far too many hurting people out the doors of the church. Not because they stopped loving God, but because the people who claimed to represent God misused His name.
When leaders use their influence to silence truth and punish dissent, it’s not just reputations that suffer. It’s souls.
Other Forms of Spiritual Abuse
While this post is focused on public misuse of the pulpit—I feel I should also say this: not all spiritual abuse happens from the front of the sanctuary. Some of the most harmful manipulation happens in private, behind the scenes, in ways that can be harder to spot but just as destructive. I think it’s important not to bypass this without mentioning it.
Here are a few examples worth naming (and this isn’t exhaustive):
Using prayer as pressure: Praying over someone in a way that shames or manipulates instead of comforts or edifies.
Withholding spiritual support or denying inclusion: Denying communion, counseling, or serving in ministry roles as a form of control.
Overemphasis on loyalty: Demanding unquestioning submission and labeling all dissent as rebellion.
Spiritualizing guilt: Using biblical language to induce shame or confuse someone into silence.
Breaching confidentiality: Twisting what was said in counseling or private settings to discredit the person later.
Creating a culture of fear: Making congregants feel they have to tiptoe around leadership or else face punishment or disfellowship (overtly or covertly).
Sexual Abuse: Inappropriate touch disguised as fatherly/pastoral care, or direct sexual misconduct or abuse.
These tactics may not involve a microphone, but they are every bit as spiritually damaging. If you’ve experienced any of these, your pain is valid and your need for healing is real.
Why It Feels So Hard to Leave
If you've found yourself on the receiving end of these kinds of behavior, you know how confusing it can be. You start to wonder:
Am I overreacting?
What if I'm the one who's wrong?
What will people think if I leave?
Am I dishonoring God by stepping away from this church?
These are real and valid questions. Abuse, especially spiritual abuse, thrives in confusion and gaslighting. When someone misuses Scripture to justify their own power, it becomes difficult to separate God's voice from theirs.
We’re Taught to Give Grace… But Sometimes That Gets Twisted
As Christians, we are taught to believe the best, extend grace, and avoid slander. These are good principles — until they become tools for silencing people who are calling out real harm.
We’re also taught that pastors are "God's anointed," which can easily be twisted into an unhealthy reverence that silences questions or accountability. This is not how biblical leadership was designed to function.
The Bible says that spiritual leaders are actually to be held to a higher standard, not a lower one, or one that is never to be questioned. “To whom much is given, much is required,” Luke 12:48.
Betrayal Blindness: Why Others Might Not See It
Teasi pointed out in the podcast something called "betrayal blindness." It's the idea that sometimes we refuse to see what's really happening because facing the truth would shatter our sense of safety.
For many of us in the church, the thought that a beloved pastor could be harming someone is too painful to accept. It disrupts the comfort of our spiritual home. So, instead of asking hard questions, we might find it easier to slip into the false narrative along with everyone else. But this causes us to distance ourselves from the victim. And we stay silent.
Sometimes it's not malice — it's fear. It's disorientation. It’s wanting to protect our illusion that everything is okay.
But the cost of that illusion is high. It often comes at the expense of the most vulnerable. And sometimes we don’t come to grips with what is happening until we’re the next ones to be wounded.
And then, sadly, there will be those who see what’s happening and make a conscious choice to side with the offender because that keeps them on the side what’s popular.
What to Do If You're Being Bullied From the Pulpit
If you're in this position, know this: You are not crazy. You are not alone. And you are not dishonoring God by telling the truth.
Here are some steps you can take:
1. Document What You’re Experiencing
Start writing things down. Keep a record of:
Specific events, comments, or sermons that seem targeted
Dates and times
Conversations or responses from leadership
This helps you stay grounded and gives you clarity when you feel gaslit or confused.
2. Find Safe, Wise Allies
You need someone who is not under this leader's authority and who understands spiritual abuse. This might be:
A licensed counselor/coach (preferably trauma-informed)
A denominational advocate
A survivor support group
3. Take Care of Your Heart
It's easy to lose touch with God in the middle of spiritual abuse, because the person harming you may have spoken as if they were God. Or they may have been your spiritual mentor for a long time and there is a history there. It may take time to grieve what has happened—often it does.
Spend time reading about the true character of Christ: His gentleness, compassion, and willingness to confront religious hypocrisy. Journal. Go for walks. Breathe. Let God reintroduce Himself to you apart from the noise.
4. Seek Formal Accountability (if possible)
If the church is part of a denomination, you may be able to file a complaint.
If independent, go to the board or elders. Request a third-party investigation.
Always do this in writing and keep copies.
5. Be Open to Leaving (If Necessary)
Leaving doesn’t make you a bad Christian. It doesn’t mean you’ve given up on the Church. It may be the holiest and most courageous step you can take to protect your heart and honor the truth.
6. Seek Healing in Community
You weren’t made to heal alone. Find spaces that are safe, honest, and full of grace. There are trauma-informed churches, support groups for survivors, and trusted counselors who can walk with you.
Remember: Jesus Is Nothing Like Your Bully
If you’ve been hurt by a spiritual leader who misused their pulpit to shame you, hear this:
Jesus is not like them.
He is the Good Shepherd. He doesn’t silence the broken. He doesn’t shame the vulnerable. He doesn’t protect His reputation at the cost of your soul.
He laid down His life for His sheep.
There is hope. There is healing. And there are still pastors who lead with humility, transparency, and truth.
The church doesn’t have to be a place of manipulation. It can be a place of refuge again. But only if we’re willing to call out what’s false, and step toward what’s true.
Darah Ashlie
Darah Ashlie is the President of Restored for Good Ministries, a Trauma and Abuse Recovery Coach, and an avid writer with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.