Q&A: Why Do I Always Attract People Who Drain Me?

Q: Reader Question:

"I don’t understand why I always end up in relationships with people who drain me. I try to be kind, patient, and understanding—just like I believe Jesus would want—but somehow, I always attract the wrong kind of people. They use me, manipulate me, and then make me feel like it’s my fault. What am I doing wrong?”

A: Dear friend,

First, let me share something that might surprise you: You’re not doing something wrong.

In fact, the very qualities that make you a deeply loving, empathetic person—the way you feel with others, care sacrificially, and listen with your whole heart—are not flaws. They’re gifts.

But gifts need guarding.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23

God designed empathy to reflect His heart. But when it goes unguarded, it can attract people who don’t come with good intentions—they come to feed off of you.

So, let’s walk through what might really be going on.

1. Empathy is a Magnet—for Better or Worse

Empathy heals, connects, and reflects the love of Christ. But to emotionally unhealthy people—especially narcissists or manipulators—it becomes an open door.

They don’t value empathy. They use it.

They see your:

Compassion as compliance
Patience as permission
Kindness as weakness
Forgiveness as forgetfulness

You’re not attracting them because you’re weak.
You’re attracting them because they see your strength—and they think they can control it.

This is often called the “empath-narcissist dance.” And many of us have been caught in it. Here’s how it typically plays out:

The narcissist feels seen and adored by our deep listening and validation.
We feel needed and purposeful—maybe even like we’re the “healer.”
But over time, our needs vanish from the relationship.
We begin to feel drained, guilty, confused, or stuck.

Friend, this isn’t love. It can become emotional codependency in disguise.

2. Understanding Narcissists & Manipulators

Not everyone who’s self-focused or occasionally selfish is a narcissist. We can all have moments of selfishness. But certain repeated behaviors are red flags:

Twisting your words
Dismissing your emotions
Using guilt, shame, or silence as control
Demanding loyalty without accountability
Playing the victim when confronted
Using DARVO against you (Learn more here)

Biblically, these are the people Paul warned us about:

“Lovers of themselves, boastful, proud, abusive, ungrateful, without love...” (2 Timothy 3:2–3)

God calls us to love, but not to enable. Scripture teaches us boundaries. It teaches us how to recognize foolishness, and how to walk away with wisdom.

3. Why You, Though? When Empathy Becomes Survival

Often our empathy doesn’t appear overnight. It can be formed through hardship.

If you were raised in a home where:

Love was conditional
Peace depended on your behavior
Your feelings were silenced or mocked
You were taught to be “the good one”

…then your empathy may have became a way to survive. You learned to read others, calm storms, keep the peace—and eventually, ignore your own needs.

You became the emotional caretaker. And guess who thrives with caretakers?

Manipulators.

They don’t always come to hurt you. But if they sense you’ll tolerate boundary violations, they’ll keep pushing. Not because you’re attracting bad people—but potentially because you’re tolerating bad behavior longer than you should.

But the good news?
You can see it now.
And now, you can choose differently.

4. Are You Caught in the Empathy Trap?

Here are signs you might be stuck:

You feel guilty for saying no
You keep giving second chances despite clear red flags
You feel drained, confused, or anxious around them
You rationalize mistreatment: “They had a rough childhood”
You walk on eggshells but call it “grace”

Jesus never confused compassion with passivity. He walked away from toxic people. He didn’t stay where He wasn’t respected.

Neither should we.

5. How to Stay Kind—but Not Consumed

Here’s how to honor your gift of empathy with boundaries:

1. Know Your Identity

You are not their fixer or their savior. You were never meant to carry the weight of someone else’s healing. That role belongs to Christ alone.

Your value does not come from how much pain you absorb, but from your position in Christ. He sees you. He’s not asking you to be a martyr to someone else’s emotional immaturity.

“Am I now trying to please man or God? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” – Galatians 1:10

Remember, our worth isn’t in how much pain we absorb—but in who we belong to.

2. Set Clear, Calm Boundaries

Boundaries say: “I’m responsible to you, not for you.”

You can say:

“I care about you, but I won’t tolerate being yelled at.”
“I’m willing to talk when you’re calm.”
“I love you, but I can’t continue enabling this pattern.”

Boundaries aren’t punishments or ultimatums. They’re our values in action.

3. You Don’t Have to Keep Over-Explaining

Empaths often feel the need to over-explain or justify boundaries to avoid conflict. But manipulators will use your explanations against you.

You don’t always need a long defense. Jesus simply said, “Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.” (Matthew 5:37)

Short. Simple. Strong. (This is still being kind.)

4. Watch for Patterns, Not Promises and Excuses

Empathy makes us look for reasons behind the other person’s behavior. While that’s a good skill to have, wisdom pays attention to patterns over promises.

“I didn’t mean to” loses power after the fifth time.
“I had a rough day” is not a license to belittle.
“You’re too sensitive” is often code for “I don’t want to take responsibility.”

5. Get Support

It’s best not to try to detangle this alone. A counselor, coach, or support group can help you see clearly and find clarity—and begin to heal on a deeper level.

6. What Would Jesus Do? (Really.)

Jesus wept. He healed. And He saw the unseen.

But He also:

Called out manipulation
Walked away from the mob
Refused to chase those who rejected Him

He had empathy, yes—but He also had discernment. So should we.

Guarding Your Gift

Empathy is a treasure. But it needs to be stewarded wisely.

You are not selfish for having limits.
You are not unkind for protecting your peace.
You are not broken because you’ve been taken advantage of.

You are learning. You are healing. And you are growing in wisdom.

So ask yourself:

Where has my empathy become entrapment?
Where do I need to say “enough”?
What would it look like to protect my heart—without hardening it?

We can be kind without being compliant.
Soft without being spineless.
And Christlike without being consumed.

Darah Ashlie

Darah Ashlie is the President of Restored for Good Ministries, a Trauma and Abuse Recovery Coach, and an avid writer with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.

When Empathy Attracts Narcissists: Understanding and Guarding Your Heart