What Forgiveness Looks Like When There’s Been Abuse or Betrayal
“You just need to forgive and forget.”
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of abuse—emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual—you’ve probably heard that phrase before. Maybe it was said with good intentions. Maybe it was a subtle guilt-trip from someone who didn’t understand the deep, soul-altering pain you carry. Either way, “forgive and forget” often leaves survivors feeling unseen, unheard, and worse—re-wounded.
Here’s the truth: Biblical forgiveness is not “forgive and forget.” And it doesn’t always mean reconciliation either.
In fact, when we misapply forgiveness in situations of abuse or betrayal, we cheapen God’s design for justice, truth, and restoration. This question came up recently in my Overcomer’s group, so I thought this would be a good time to dive deeper into what forgiveness actually looks like when abuse is present—and what it doesn’t look like.
Forgiveness Isn’t Denial
Let’s start by clearing the air. Forgiveness is not:
Pretending the abuse didn’t happen
Minimizing the pain
Ignoring toxic patterns
Quickly restoring trust without repentance
Becoming a doormat in the name of “love”
Far too often in Christian circles, forgiveness is taught like it’s a magical eraser. If you just say the words, “I forgive you,” then poof!—you should no longer feel hurt, no longer protect yourself, and certainly not bring up the past. But let’s be honest: that kind of forgiveness isn’t biblical—it’s performative. And it leaves people stuck in cycles of pain.
What Does the Bible Say?
1 Corinthians 13, the famous “love chapter,” tells us that love rejoices in the truth (v.6). Love doesn’t gloss over evil. It doesn’t tell someone to stay in harm’s way. Real love, God’s love, protects (v.7).
Jesus Himself said, “Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). That sounds a lot more like discernment than blind trust, doesn’t it?
Joseph: Forgiveness With Boundaries and Testing
If ever there was a biblical example of cautious reconciliation during the forgiveness process after betrayal, it’s Joseph and his treacherous brothers. You probably know the story—his brothers hated him, sold him into slavery, and told their father he was dead. Decades passed, and Joseph endured false accusations, imprisonment, and abandonment. Finally, he rose to a position of power in Egypt.
But when his brothers showed up during a famine, Joseph didn’t immediately welcome them with open arms.
No, Joseph tested their character—again and again.
He forgave them—yes—but only after he saw genuine change in their hearts. He wanted to see if they would sacrifice another of their brothers, Benjamin, to save themselves. So, he put them through a process of repentance and accountability.
“Joseph said to them, ‘Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…’” (Genesis 50:19-20)
Notice Joseph didn’t whitewash what happened. He acknowledged the evil. But he also chose to forgive—after establishing healthy boundaries, ensuring his safety, and testing the fruit of their character.
Forgiveness in abuse looks like this:
Acknowledging the evil done
Refusing to minimize harm
Not rushing back into relationship
Waiting to see consistent change before rebuilding trust
Forgiveness Does Not Equal Reconciliation
I want to say this clearly: Forgiveness can be a one-person job. Reconciliation has to be a two-person job.
Forgiveness means releasing the burden of revenge and entrusting justice to God.
Reconciliation, on the other hand, requires mutual effort—truth-telling, repentance, rebuilding trust, and demonstrating lasting change.
You can forgive someone in your heart without ever re-entering a relationship with them.
King David models this powerfully with Ahithophel—his trusted counselor who betrayed him. Scripture tells us Ahithophel joined David’s rebellious son, Absalom, and turned against the king he once served. The betrayal was so deep, David wrote about it in Psalm 41:9:
“Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.”
Did David forgive Ahithophel? I believe that because David was a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14), he would have understood God’s call to forgive—even his enemies. And scripture never records David seeking revenge.
But—this is also important to note: there is no record of reconciliation. There was no restored closeness. David didn’t pursue intimacy with someone who proved themselves unsafe.
Too many survivors of abuse or betrayal are pressured to reconcile with unrepentant abusers and those who have betrayed their trust—spouses, family members, even church leaders—all in the name of appearing “godly.” But God never asks us to reconcile with those who remain dangerous.
True Forgiveness Is Rooted in Truth
Many people think forgiveness is the same as forgetting. But that’s not what the Bible teaches.
God Himself says:
“I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.” – Jeremiah 31:34
But here’s the key: God chooses not to hold it against us, not because He forgets like a human with memory loss, but because repentance has occurred and the relationship is restored.
You are not God. And you aren’t commanded to pretend abuse didn’t happen.
If your husband has repeatedly cheated on you in the past, you shouldn’t pretend he’s incapable of doing it again—especially if he continues staying out late and you find receipts from the local strip club in his wallet. Forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring these warning signs or erasing the reality of his actions.
God doesn’t expect you to forget evil, especially when remembering helps you stay safe. Forgiveness isn’t amnesia—it’s choosing not to be consumed by bitterness while still walking in wisdom.
What Forgiveness Looks Like in the Wake of Abuse
If you’ve been abused, here’s what real, biblical forgiveness may look like for you:
Calling evil what it is
We don’t have to sugarcoat it. Abuse is sin. Harm is harm. God hates it (Psalm 11:5).Surrendering revenge to God
Romans 12:19 reminds us: “Do not take revenge… ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Forgiveness means we let go of personal vengeance, not justice or boundaries.Grieving what was lost
God created you for love, truth, and safety. When abuse happens, it’s right to mourn. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. – Matthew 5:4Choosing freedom over bitterness
Forgiveness is more about setting you free than setting them free. It breaks the soul-tie of bitterness and releases you from emotional captivity.Walking in wisdom, not naivety
You can forgive someone and still refuse to trust them again unless they’ve proven themselves trustworthy. If they aren’t committed to change, that’s not bitterness—it’s wisdom.A process, not a moment
What happened to you was not a small thing. Forgiving might take time, and you may feel like you haven’t forgiven—especially when waves of anger or grief return. But forgiveness isn't a single emotional moment; it’s a deliberate, often repeated decision to surrender the right to revenge and entrust your pain to God. It’s okay if your heart is still catching up to what your spirit has already chosen. God is patient with us in this process.
Forgiveness does not mean that justice is ignored. In fact, true forgiveness can walk hand-in-hand with a pursuit of legal or spiritual accountability. We see this reflected in God's own character—He is both merciful and just (Psalm 85:10, Psalm 11:7, Micah 6:8).
What About “Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs”?
1 Corinthians 13:5 is often misused to guilt victims into silence. But again, let’s look closer.
“Love keeps no record of wrongs” doesn’t mean you ignore repeated harm. It means you don’t weaponize past wrongs for manipulation or revenge. It doesn’t mean you don’t set boundaries, leave unsafe situations, or remember patterns of behavior that require accountability.
It’s not loving to allow someone to continue sinning against you unchecked.
“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” – Luke 17:3
Did you catch that? Rebuke first, then forgive if repentance is present. And again, even with forgiveness, reconciliation still requires trustworthiness.
Forgiveness may open the door, but only repentance, repair, and consistent fruit can build a bridge across it.
You Can Forgive and Still Walk Away
Jesus Himself didn’t reconcile with everyone.
When the Pharisees continually opposed Him, Jesus called out their hypocrisy (Matthew 23). When the rich young ruler walked away sad, Jesus didn’t chase him down or compromise truth to keep the peace (Mark 19:16-22).
Jesus loved perfectly. And still, He set boundaries, spoke truth, and walked away from the unrepentant.
If Jesus did that, so can we.
Forgiveness doesn’t always mean staying. It doesn’t mean silence. It doesn’t mean pretending your pain doesn’t matter.
Forgiveness Is a Process, Not a Performance
You may still be in process. That’s okay. You don’t have to rush to a polished “I forgive” speech before your heart is ready. Forgiveness is a journey with God. He knows your story. He sees your pain. He’s not asking you to fake it—He’s inviting you into healing.
Sometimes we know in our minds that we are choosing to forgive, we may say the words, and really mean them, but hours later (even moments) still feel the tinge of anger against the other person for what they’ve put us through. Listen closely. That doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. It means your heart and emotions are taking time to catch up with your decision. That’s okay. Have grace on yourself, this is a process.
You may never receive an apology. You may never hear, “I was wrong.” But that doesn’t mean you can’t walk in peace. When you hand your wounds to Jesus, He becomes your Defender.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
You Are Not Alone
If you’re walking through the wreckage of confusing, abusive relationships and wondering how to forgive while the pain is still echoing inside of you—please know this: God does not minimize your story. And neither should you.
Forgiveness in the context of abuse is not cheap grace. It’s holy surrender.
It’s releasing judgment to the One who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23), while holding firm to truth and walking in wisdom.
You are not weak for setting boundaries. You are not bitter for remembering.
You are brave for healing. You are strong for choosing God’s truth over the world’s guilt.
Keep going. And if you’re not sure where to start, just begin by telling God the truth: “I’m hurt. I don’t know how to forgive. Help me.” He will meet you there.
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!