When Your Abuser Gets Partial Custody
How to Protect Your Children and Stay Strong
Leaving an abusive marriage is never easy. But for many women, one of the most painful parts isn’t just walking away — it’s having to share custody of your children with the very person who harmed you, or who harmed them.
It feels wrong. It feels backwards. And in many cases, it puts both you and your children at continued risk — emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes even physically.
So what do you do when your ex, who was emotionally abusive (or worse), is still allowed partial custody or visitation with your kids? How do you protect them? How do you stay emotionally healthy yourself in the process?
This article, I hope, will walk you through some practical strategies and give you some biblical encouragement to help you navigate this painful road.
Why Abusive Parents Shouldn’t Automatically Have Access
Let’s begin with a truth that often gets ignored: Just because someone is a biological parent doesn’t mean they’re a safe one.
In Christian circles especially, there’s a lot of pressure to "keep the family together," or to honor the father, no matter what. But honoring someone doesn't mean enabling them. And it doesn’t mean sacrificing your children’s mental and emotional health for the sake of appearances.
“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” — Ephesians 5:11
If your ex was emotionally abusive to you or your children — controlling, manipulative, volatile, neglectful — it’s not godly to ignore that. It’s godly to call it what it is and act wisely.
But what if the courts don’t see it that way?
When the Courts Give Your Abuser Custody or Visitation
Unfortunately, as much as I wish I could say that it is, the legal system isn’t always trauma-informed or protective. Unless there’s obvious physical evidence or criminal charges, many forms of abuse — especially emotional, spiritual, or psychological — are dismissed as "conflict" or "communication issues."
This means your abuser might still get court-ordered visitation or even partial custody. After all you’ve been through, I understand how this can feel like getting knocked down just when you thought you could breathe again. But here’s how you can protect your children, even within the boundaries of a broken system.
1. Document Everything
Keep a record of:
Your child's behavior before and after visits
Any statements they make about things that happened
Any communication from your ex that is manipulative, threatening, or inappropriate
Missed pickups or concerning incidents
This isn’t being “vindictive.” This is gathering evidence — calmly and consistently. If future legal challenges come up, your documentation may become vital.
2. Create a Safe Landing Zone at Home
Your home needs to be the safe place — the one space where your child doesn’t have to pretend or walk on eggshells. Where they can be seen, heard, and believed without fear of punishment or dismissal.
You don’t have to push them to talk about what happened during their visit. In fact, sometimes it’s better not to. Instead, create an environment where they know they’re always welcome to share — and that you’ll listen without judgment or panic.
Be attentive to behavioral shifts. Regression, sudden outbursts, sleep disturbances, withdrawal, or anxiety can all be silent cries for help. Abuse doesn’t always come with bruises, and children often speak their pain through behavior before they find words.
You may not be able to protect them while they’re away, but you can rebuild trust and security every time they come home. Your consistency — your warm meals, your calm tone, your loving presence — may be the one place where they truly see Christ’s love in action.
“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” — 1 Corinthians 13:7
But listen, sweet friend, we can be honest here: I understand that it’s likely you’re running on fumes. Years of living in survival mode — dealing with gaslighting, control, spiritual manipulation, or worse — can take its toll. You might feel like you have nothing left to give.
That’s why this next piece is just as important:
Fill Your Own Cup, Too
When your children are with your ex, and the house feels too quiet, use that time not to obsess over what might be happening — but to tend to your own healing.
Spend time in the Word, not just seeking answers, but soaking yourself in His comfort.
Call a safe friend who truly understands what you’re going through.
Journal your fears and your prayers.
Take a walk, move your body, breathe deeply.
Rest without guilt.
Cry if you need to. Jesus wept too.
We often hear, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” It’s true. But even more deeply: you were never meant to live empty. God desires fullness for you. Strength. Joy. Peace — even in the storm.
“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28
So when your children return to you, let them return to a mama who is being filled by the living God. Not perfect. Not always composed. But rooted. Resilient. Real.
That’s how you create a safe landing zone. Not just a peaceful home, but a peaceful heart — one that becomes a refuge for your children, and a reflection of God's faithful love.
3. Get a Trauma-Informed Counselor for Your Child
This can be one of the best things you do. A good, trauma-informed therapist can:
Teach your child language for what they’re experiencing
Validate their feelings
Teach emotional regulation skills
Act as a neutral third party to identify red flags and harmful patterns
Make sure to choose a counselor who understands domestic abuse dynamics, not one who pushes reconciliation at all costs. If your ex is emotionally manipulative, you need someone who knows what gaslighting, narcissistic patterns, and coercive control look like.
4. Don't Force Contact "For the Child's Sake"
You might hear phrases like:
“He’s still their dad.”
“They’ll regret not having a relationship later.”
“God wants families to be united.”
But hear this clearly: Love doesn’t automatically mean access. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean contact.
You’re not bitter for setting boundaries — you’re wise. You’re not being un-Christian — you’re protecting what’s sacred.
If your child has a say in whether or not they see their father, and it’s clear they’re deeply disturbed at the thought of going, it’s a good idea to listen to them and gently try to find out what is bothering them. Sometimes children experience things on a soul level that we as adults try to rationalize away.
“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” — Proverbs 27:12
It is not your child’s job to manage your ex’s emotions, ego, or reputation. If a relationship is going to be healthy, it must be earned by the offending adult — not expected, coerced, or demanded from the child.
God never asks children to carry the emotional burdens of adults. If anything, God is quite clear that we as adults bear the weight of ensuring that we do not cause our little ones to stumble (Matthew 18:5-6, Ephesians 6:4).
If your child is hesitant, anxious, or refusing contact, that’s not something to be corrected — it’s something to be explored with care, wisdom, and professional support if needed.
5. Avoid Fights and Traps During Communication
Abusers often use custody exchanges or text/email communication as opportunities to bait you into conflict. Here’s how to stay grounded:
Keep it short, factual, and emotionless. Stick to logistics (dates, times, locations).
Use a third-party app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents. These are court-admissible and reduce direct contact.
Set and maintain clear boundaries. If they escalate or start provoking, disengage. You are not obligated to defend yourself or justify your decisions.
Practice grounding techniques. If conflict seems unavoidable, use deep breathing or calming strategies to regulate your nervous system. Even three slow breaths can help keep your mind clear and your responses calm.
And most importantly: Before any interaction, pray. Ask the Lord for peace, strength, and self-control. Remember this truth:
You do not have to explain yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you.
That’s not pride or rebellion — it’s Godly wisdom.
6. Stay Mentally and Spiritually Healthy
Your nervous system has likely been in fight-or-flight mode for a long time. Your heart might be exhausted. That’s why staying emotionally and spiritually grounded is crucial.
Seek a biblical counselor or therapist who understands abuse.
Connect with a support group. A local domestic violence group can be a lifeline.
Spend time in truth. Journal scriptures that remind you of God’s justice, protection, and nearness.
Practice soul care. Rest. Eat. Sleep. Get fresh air. Read something beautiful. You are still a whole person, not just a survivor.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18
7. Teach Your Child Boundaries and Truth (in the Middle of Injustice)
Children raised in abusive environments often struggle with self-worth and healthy boundaries.
As your child processes what’s happening — whether it’s broken promises, emotional manipulation, or confusing behavior from their father — they may feel angry, frustrated, or deeply hurt. That’s understandable. You may feel those same things too.
But even in the midst of what’s wrong, you can help your child grow in what’s right. You can turn the wrong that’s happening into lasting lessons — not by pretending everything is okay, but by helping them learn:
It’s okay to say no.
Their voice matters.
Love is not control.
God is not like their abusive parent.
These truths are gifts you can give your child — truths that will carry them far beyond childhood. In a world where confusion and manipulation try to twist what love really is, you’re planting the seeds of discernment, courage, and godly wisdom.
Don’t bad-mouth your ex — but do name things truthfully when your child is confused.
If they say, “Why does Daddy lie?” you can say: “That’s a good question. Some people don’t always tell the truth, and it’s okay to feel upset about that. God loves honesty, and I’m here to help you figure things out.”
You can also share that just because daddy is doing wrong things, it doesn’t mean that we have to do wrong things too. I understand how unfair it can all feel, but these painful moments can also become powerful, redemptive teaching opportunities.
You can gently say something like:
“I know it’s really unfair when Daddy says or does things that hurt you. And you’re allowed to feel sad or angry about that. But just because someone else is making a wrong choice doesn’t mean we have to. We can still choose what’s right, even when it’s hard. That’s how we stay close to God and protect our hearts.”
These conversations are not about minimizing the pain or brushing over abuse — they’re about helping your child develop the resilience and discernment they’ll need for life. You’re helping them understand that:
They are not responsible for someone else’s bad behavior.
If they’re old enough, they can calmly and respectfully walk away from an argument or provocation. If they’re younger, it’s okay to hide or seek help when they feel unsafe.
They still have power — the power to choose truth, love, and self-control.
God can use even painful things to shape their character and heart.
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” — Romans 12:21
When you model calm strength and spiritual wisdom in the face of injustice, you’re giving your child more than safety — you’re giving them a legacy of integrity.
And as hard as it is, this is one of the most Christlike things you can do: not to pretend the wrong isn’t wrong — but to help them name the wrong and then to respond to evil with strength, clarity, boundaries, and wisdom.
8. Prepare for the Long Game
Co-parenting with an abuser is often not short-term. The process of modifying custody agreements or exposing patterns of abuse to the court can take months — sometimes years.
But consistency, documentation, and wise counsel can shift things in your favor over time. Judges do start to notice patterns, especially when you stay calm and collected while the other party escalates.
Remember: You Are Not Alone
If you’re in this space — trying to protect your kids while navigating an unfair custody situation — please know: you are not crazy, dramatic, or bitter. You are brave. You are doing a holy work.
You are a mother standing in the gap.
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.” — Proverbs 31:8
God is not blind to what’s happening. He sees. He knows. He grieves with you. And He is not asking you to pretend, to perform, or to make peace with a lie.
You were never meant to live in survival mode. And neither were your children.
Even in the middle of a broken system and a painful process, there is hope, healing, and strength for the journey.
Helpful Resources:
Counseling Directories for Your Child:
Legal and Co-Parenting Tools:
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!