Love Doesn’t Always Mean Staying: A Christian Response to Emotional Abuse in Marriages and Families
God Doesn’t Ask You to Stay in Close Contact With Someone Who Keeps Hurting You
We need to stop confusing love with full access.
Stop confusing forgiveness with reconciliation.
Stop confusing being “Christian” with being silent or available to people who are unsafe.
Whether it’s a child being told to keep seeing a parent who hurt them, or an adult woman being shamed for stepping away from her toxic mother, or a wife being pressured to go back to an abusive husband “in the name of love”—I have to say this plainly:
God never asked you to stay where you’re being destroyed.
If you’ve ever wondered whether it’s biblical to walk away from toxic relationships, you’re not alone, and that’s what we’re going to talk about.
Why Kids Shouldn’t Be Forced to Stay in Contact With Abusive Parents
We need to talk about something that happens way too often—and causes real harm:
Telling a child they have to stay in contact with a parent who abused them. Or with someone who abused their mother.
This messaging shows up in many ways:
“Be the bigger person.”
“You only get one dad.”
“God says to honor your parents.”
“They’ll regret it if they don’t have a relationship later.”
“We’re called to love everyone.”
But here’s the truth:
No child should be forced to keep a connection with someone who hurt them—no matter who that person is. And love doesn’t mean access. Forgiveness doesn’t mean contact.
Now, of course, there are times—especially if the child is young and the courts grant the abusive spouse partial custody—where this may not be avoided.
This is one of the most heartbreaking realities many protective mothers face: having to watch their children go into environments they know are emotionally, psychologically, or even physically unsafe. When the legal system doesn't recognize or validate abuse, it can feel like your hands are tied—and your heart is breaking.
So what can you do? If this is your situation, I’ve written a separate article to address this (You can read that: Here).
How Forced Contact With Abusers Harms Children Long-Term
For situations where you do have control, especially for older kids and teens, here are some important things to keep in mind. When we push kids (or anyone) to stay close to someone who harmed them, here’s what we’re actually teaching them:
That their safety doesn’t come first
That they should be nice instead of honest
That saying "no" is wrong or selfish
That their gut instinct—to pull away from harm—is something to ignore
This can follow them for years.
They grow into adults who people-please, who second-guess their boundaries, who ignore red flags, and who stay too long in relationships that hurt.
And if they grew up watching their mother be mistreated but were told to still “respect” the abuser? That message sinks in deep. They learn to accept what’s familiar. That’s how abuse gets passed down—not just through actions, but through what we normalize.
Boys learn that it’s OK to disrespect or even harm women, and girls learn that it’s acceptable to stay in abusive relationships.
What This Does to a Child
It confuses their understanding of love.
It warps their view of family.
It teaches them that “being good” means staying quiet.
According to research from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, children who experience trauma and are then invalidated or not protected are more likely to develop long-term mental health struggles like anxiety, depression, and complex PTSD.
That’s not just emotional damage. That’s neurological, psychological, and spiritual.
What the Bible Really Says About Abuse, Love, and Safety
Nowhere in Scripture does God ask us to keep children in contact with someone who continues to cause harm.
In fact the Bible says: “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:5-6.
This is serious to God. It should be serious to us too.
Nowhere does God say that loving someone means staying close to them while they’re still unsafe.
Jesus didn’t tolerate abuse. He didn’t ignore harm to keep people comfortable. He didn’t call silence holy.
So why do we?
What Needs to Change
Stop telling kids and teens to “be the bigger person” when they’re just trying to protect themselves. They are not the bigger person, they are still developing and depending on the adults around them to protect them.
Stop using religion to pressure people—especially women and children—into unsafe situations.
Start telling the truth: It’s okay to close off contact. It’s okay to walk away. It’s okay to protect our peace.
Teach children that their safety matters. That they can say no. That love includes boundaries and doesn’t hurt.
Breaking the cycle of abuse doesn’t start with good intentions. It starts with truth.
And it starts by refusing to hand kids back to the very people who’ve hurt them.
We can love someone and still walk away.
We can forgive someone and still keep our distance.
We can honor God and still protect our children.
It’s not your job—or your child’s—to keep the family image together.
It’s your job to keep your peace, your dignity, and your safety intact. God wants us to be good stewards of what He has created, for ourselves and for our children.
Christian Boundaries With Abusive or Toxic Parents
Walking away from a dysfunctional or abusive parent as an adult (or young person) is one of the hardest things a person can do. It goes against everything we’ve been taught—about loyalty, family, tradition, and honoring your mother and father.
But honoring your parents doesn’t mean accepting abuse or toxic behaviors.
It doesn’t mean keeping yourself small so they feel powerful and in control.
It doesn’t mean being available to people who hurt you, just because they raised you.
Sometimes, honoring your parents means breaking the cycle they couldn’t break.
It means setting the boundaries they never taught you to have.
Setting boundaries with an abusive family member is not rebellion—it’s spiritual wisdom.
It means not passing down the same confusion, fear, and pain to your own children.
I know this isn’t an easy thing. It’s heartbreaking, and can feel like we are betraying our family. But sometimes the most loving thing we can do—for everyone—is to step away, heal, and start again without the chaos.
When dysfunction in any relationship is ongoing and doesn’t stop, often love looks like a firm boundary that says we are worthy of healthy relationships. Sometimes this can even convict the other person to become introspective and start to work on their own issues.
Christian Women and the Pressure to Stay in Abusive Marriages
This is where things get especially heavy—because faith communities often mean well, but sometimes send harmful messages to women in abusive relationships:
“Love him through it.”
“Marriage is forever.”
“God hates divorce.”
“You’re his helper—just keep praying.”
But God does not ask a woman to become a sacrificial martyr for her husband’s sin.
God’s heart is not for Christian women to endure emotional abuse (or any abuse) in silence.
God does not require her to live in fear.
And God never called her to remain in a relationship where she is being harmed.
The Bible talks about love being patient and kind—not manipulative and cruel. Jesus never once told people to stay close to someone who was hurting them in order to prove their faith. In fact, He modeled boundaries constantly. He walked away. He confronted. He protected the vulnerable.
So why are we still telling women the opposite?
The Toxic Theology That Keeps Us Stuck in Abuse
Whether it's a child, an adult daughter, or a wife—there’s a common thread:
The message that someone else’s comfort is more important than our safety.
This mindset teaches us to:
Doubt our own intuition
Stay silent about mistreatment
Carry guilt for protecting ourselves
Confuse love with endurance
And this leads to people-pleasing, chronic anxiety, codependency, and—often—getting stuck in repeat cycles of abusive relationships.
Walking Away Isn’t Bitterness—It’s Biblical Boundary-Setting
Choosing to protect your peace is not bitterness.
Breaking the cycle of abuse is not rebellion, it’s redemption and restoration.
Setting boundaries is not unforgiveness.
Keeping our children away from someone unsafe is not revenge—it’s responsibility.
And walking away from an abusive spouse, parent, or partner isn’t a failure of faith—it might be the first real act of it.
God is not glorified when we suffer in silence for someone else’s sins.
He’s not honored by our wounds being reopened over and over.
He’s not asking us—or our children—to stay in unsafe relationships to prove loyalty, love, or faithfulness.
What God does want?
Healing. Wholeness. Restoration. Truth.
And sometimes, that starts with a boundary.
We can love people from a distance.
We can forgive without reconnecting.
We can follow Jesus and still walk away.
You’re Not Alone.
If you’re navigating emotional abuse in a Christian marriage or family relationship, you don’t have to carry it alone. I offer faith-based coaching for women learning how to set boundaries, reclaim peace, and walk in God’s truth. Learn more about coaching here.
National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (2024). Understanding Child Trauma and the NCTSN. Retrieved from https://www.nctsn.org/resources/understanding-child-trauma-and-nctsn
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!