Biblical Boundaries: Why Love Sometimes Says ‘No’
Understanding God’s heart can give you the courage to set boundaries without guilt—even in your closest relationships.
Someone recently asked me a sincere and heartfelt question:
“But how can boundaries be biblical?”
For her, setting limits in a close or intimate relationship felt more like rejection than love. She couldn’t imagine that a boundary could reflect the heart of God.
But when we look closely at God’s character, we find something important. God is indeed love (1 John 4:7–21). But He is also holy and just (Psalm 89:14). His love is never permissive or enabling—it’s wise, strong, and purposeful.
In fact, God set one of the most enduring boundaries in human history when He gave the Ten Commandments. He drew a line around what would bring life and what would bring harm. These weren’t punishments—they were protections. And the same God who gave those commands is also the One who sent Jesus, offering mercy and forgiveness to all who would receive Him.
God’s love holds both compassion and clarity, and that’s a helpful framework for us when it comes to setting boundaries in our own lives.
Boundaries Are Not Harsh—They Are Holy
There is often confusion about what love really looks like. Does love mean saying yes to everything? Does it mean tolerating mistreatment, staying silent, or excusing harmful behavior for the sake of “peace”?
The truth is, biblical love is not boundaryless. Godly love does not enable others to sin against us—or themselves. Healthy boundaries are not about punishing others; they’re about protecting what’s good, honoring what’s right, and living in truth.
A Lesson From Our Pup
When we adopted our puppy Scout at seven weeks old, we knew we wanted to do things differently this time. In the past, we had brought older strays into our home, and while we loved them dearly, we didn’t invest in training or clear boundaries. We ended up living with chaos—chewed furniture, constant chasing, and the stress of unpredictable behavior.
This time, we were determined to set clear expectations from the beginning. As I began researching training methods, I came across a paragraph on a dog training site that unexpectedly resonated with me:
“We tend to view love as giving our dogs whatever they want, hoping it will make them feel happy and safe. But this often backfires. Dogs, like human children, don’t flourish from getting everything they demand. They need structure, limits, and leadership to feel secure.”
Though written for pet owners, this spoke volumes about human relationships too.
Boundaries Bring Safety, Not Shame
Back to Scout—after consistent training, he now understands what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t. He stays close to us, listens to commands, and doesn’t chase after danger the way our past dogs used to. The boundaries we set actually gave him more freedom, not less—because within the safety of those limits, he thrives.
It’s the same with us.
When we fail to set boundaries in our relationships—especially with those who are hurting or taking advantage of us—we often confuse enabling with love. But enabling someone’s harmful behavior, even out of fear or good intentions, doesn’t serve them or us.
Boundaries create a space where peace can grow. They help us stop living in reaction and start living with purpose. And they remind others that we are not theirs to control.
Choosing Your “Hard”
Setting boundaries is not easy. It may be uncomfortable. It may disrupt long-standing dynamics in your home or family. But not setting boundaries is hard too. It leaves us exhausted, resentful, and unsure of who we are.
You may have heard this before:
You have to choose your hard.
It’s hard to say “no.”
It’s hard to be misunderstood.
It’s hard to disappoint others when you stop over-functioning.
But it’s also hard to live without peace, constantly giving away more than you have, and being wounded over and over by someone you love.
Boundaries may not change the other person—but they will begin to change you. And that’s where healing starts.
What’s Yours to Own—and What’s Not
Think of boundaries like a fence around your yard. You are responsible for what happens inside your fence—your thoughts, your emotions, your choices. But you are not responsible for what happens in someone else’s yard.
When we take ownership of what is ours and release what is not, we stop overreaching and start living with clarity. And clarity is a form of kindness—to ourselves and others.
Is It Time for a Boundary?
If you’re feeling emotionally drained, anxious, or constantly taken for granted, it may be time to ask:
Am I taking responsibility for someone else’s choices?
Am I afraid of setting limits because I don’t want to seem unloving?
Am I tolerating behavior that I know is unhealthy—or even harmful?
These questions are not easy. But they matter.
They help you step out of confusion and into truth.
Remember, setting a boundary isn’t about rejecting someone—it’s about recognizing where your responsibility ends and theirs begins.
Love Can Still Say “No”
God’s love is never enabling. Jesus Himself set boundaries—He walked away from crowds, He didn’t entrust Himself to those with wrong motives, and He said hard things when necessary, always rooted in truth and love.
True love tells the truth. And sometimes that truth is:
“I love you, but I can’t let you continue to treat me this way.”
Or:
“I care about you, but I won’t take responsibility for what isn’t mine.”
When we stop rescuing others from the consequences of their own choices, we’re not abandoning them—we’re giving them the opportunity to grow. And we’re giving ourselves permission to heal.
Dear friend, boundaries are not barriers to love—they’re pathways to it.
They invite honesty. They protect peace. And they honor God.
If you’ve been afraid to set a boundary, know this:
You’re not doing something wrong. You may finally be doing something right.
And you’re not alone.
I’m praying that you’ll have the strength to make wise, loving choices. Even if they’re hard. Because sometimes, the most faithful thing we can do is say—with kindness and clarity—“This is where I end and you begin.”
**If you missed the earlier article on how to identify real hope verses false hope, to see if you may be stuck on the hook of the wrong one…I encourage you to read more here. Because often false hope and a lack of boundaries feed on one another.
Darah Ashlie
Darah Ashlie is the President of Restored for Good Ministries, a Trauma and Abuse Recovery Coach, and an avid writer with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.