How to Explain the Emotional Abuse in Your Marriage When You’re Still Struggling to Name It Yourself
Q: I'm in an extremely painful marriage, but I don’t even know how to put it all into words. I feel like it’s likely emotionally abusive, but I’m still so confused. Every time I try to talk to someone, I freeze or I downplay what’s really happening. Then, inevitably, they offer me advice that feels unhelpful for the extent of what I’m experiencing. How can I verbalize what I’m going through to others so they actually understand and believe me?
A.
First, let me say, you’re not alone in this. If what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, which it sounds like it could be, it can be incredibly hard to articulate for many women—especially if you've been conditioned to second-guess your reality. Many women in emotionally abusive marriages hesitate to use words like abuse because it feels “too extreme,” or because their wounds are invisible (but it’s important to note that just because there are no bruises doesn’t mean it’s not abuse, you can read more about that here). Instead, they might say something like:
“We’re just going through a rough patch.”
“Marriage is just hard right now.”
“He can be moody but he's not always like that.”
Or sometimes they even start sharing more about what they've been doing wrong—how they must be triggering him, or not communicating clearly enough, or not meeting his needs. Because many victims have honest hearts and are truly willing to work on their own issues. But then the focus shifts to what feels like a mutual relationship problem instead of what it actually is: abuse.
And when others hear these things, their response back often misses the mark. They may try to help by saying things like:
“Try couples counseling.” (But in situations of emotional abuse, this can actually be dangerous—here’s why couples counseling isn’t recommended. Click here.)
“Everyone has issues.”
“Have you prayed about it?”
What you really need is someone to truly understand you and be able to also speak truthfully about what’s happening. But first, you’re going to need the language to do that.
So let’s jump in and start sorting out how you can put words to your pain. And hopefully this will help give you phrases you can use in real-life conversations with friends, family, pastors, your boss, or your children’s school. It’s okay if you’re not sure what to call it yet. I’ll walk through some vocabulary and talking points, and for the sake of this post, I’m going to assume we are talking about emotional abuse.
Q: What exactly is emotional abuse—and how do I know if that’s what I’m experiencing?
Emotional abuse isn’t about one bad fight or a rough season. It’s a pattern of behavior that chips away at your sense of safety, worth, and reality. It often looks like:
Being constantly criticized, belittled, or blamed
Having your words twisted or minimized
Being isolated from friends or family
Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid triggering anger
Being blamed for things that aren’t your fault
Being punished emotionally—silent treatment, withholding affection, or money
Feeling invisible, unworthy, or like you’re “losing yourself”
If you find yourself questioning your sanity, feeling like you can’t win no matter what you do, or living in fear of emotional retaliation—you’re not being "too sensitive." You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you want to get a better sense if this is your situation, I would recommend taking the Emotional Abuse Questionnaire here.
Naming it doesn't mean you're throwing your spouse under the bus. It means you're telling the truth.
Q: Why do I feel so afraid to tell people? Why do I worry they won’t believe me?
Because emotional abuse doesn’t leave bruises. And because abusers often look charming, respectable, or even “godly” to outsiders. They may serve in church, hold down a good job, or even be praised by others for their “good works.” You may have even believed they were a good person who could never do the things they’re now doing—and you probably love them.
That’s part of what makes abuse so confusing. It's not just what's happening—it's the psychological fog that comes with it. It can make you feel crazy when someone is one way in public and a totally different way at home.
You're not imagining things. That fear of not being believed? That comes from having your reality questioned or dismissed over and over. Often men who are abusive will flip the script on their victims. They may accuse you of being too dramatic or overly sensitive, or even use DARVO (you can read more about that here) to make you feel like you’re to blame.
Q: What do I actually say when I want to open up to someone?
You don’t need to have it all figured out. But having some language prepared can help you feel less overwhelmed. Here are a few real-life conversation starters that you can adapt to fit the situation, depending on who you're speaking to.
1. To a trusted friend:
“I need to share something vulnerable, and it’s hard to put into words. I’ve been in a marriage where I’ve felt emotionally unsafe for a long time. It’s not about arguing—it’s about a pattern of manipulation, control, and fear. I don’t know how to call it anything but emotional abuse, though that’s hard for me to say out loud. I’m not asking for you to fix it—I just need someone to hear me and not minimize it.”
Follow-up if they suggest counseling or minimize what your suggesting:
“I appreciate your heart, but couples counseling only works when both people are safe and honest. I’ve learned that in cases of abuse, it can actually make things worse. What I need right now is support and protection—I don’t think more strategies for trying to manage the dysfunction would be helpful at this time.”
2. To a pastor or church leader:
“I’m coming to you because I’m in a painful marriage where I’m experiencing consistent emotional harm—belittling, gaslighting, control, and fear. I’ve spent a long time trying to fix it, submit more, love better—but it’s not getting better because the root issue is my husband’s abusive behavior. I’m not safe emotionally, spiritually, or relationally. I need the church to help protect me, While I believe in being patient with my husband and I continue to pray, my children and I really need safety at this time.”
Important: Churches often rush to reconciliation over protection. It’s quite possible you will need to be firm.
“I’m asking for accountability for him and a refuge for me. I know God hates divorce—but He also hates abuse. I’m not here to destroy my marriage. I’m trying to survive inside one that’s already been broken by emotional harm and a lack of safety.”
3. To your boss or HR director if your work is being affected:
“I’m currently going through a situation at home that involves emotional abuse and significant distress. It’s affecting my sleep, concentration, and mental health. I want to continue doing my best here, so I felt like it was important for me to be transparent in case there are days I seem off or need flexibility. I’m working on getting support and taking steps to become safe.”
You don’t have to give specific details, if you don’t feel they’re necessary. But, it’s important that you advocate for your needs and let them know what’s happening in case anything happens while you’re at work, or the situation escalates. In cases of physical safety, it’s important that you do notify your work in case your partner shows up at your work place. (You can download a free Safety Plan here).
4. To your child’s school or teacher:
“I want to make you aware that things at home have been difficult. My child may seem anxious or distracted. We’re going through some emotional trauma related to what I can only describe as emotional abuse in the household. I’m working to keep them safe and supported. Please let me know if you notice anything concerning.”
You don’t need to go into deep detail. The goal is to alert them, not explain everything.
5. To a family member or church friend who keeps telling you to “just hang in there”:
“I know you mean well when you say marriage is hard and that God can heal anything. But this isn’t just a hard season. It’s a pattern of emotional harm that’s been eroding my well being for years. I’ve been blamed, gaslit, manipulated, and made to feel like I’m crazy. That’s not a marriage problem—it’s emotional abuse. I truly need safety and protection and understanding right now, not encouragement to keep being harmed.”
* I also want to note here, that if you feel like you’re in physical danger at any point, many of the scripts above would need to be more direct and clear about your lack of safety. And you should contact your local domestic violence shelter for more information or call the local police department if you are in immediate danger.
Q: What if I still feel unsure about using the word abuse?
That’s okay. Many women go through a season of “naming hesitation.” Try these alternative phrases until you feel ready:
“There’s been a long-term pattern of emotional harm.”
“I’ve felt invisible, manipulated, and deeply unsafe emotionally.”
“It’s not just conflict—it’s coercion and control.”
“What I’m experiencing feels like psychological warfare.”
“I live in fear of his moods, reactions, and withdrawal.”
You don’t have to wait until you’re sure it’s abuse to reach out. Pain is a valid enough reason to seek help. Clarity often comes with time and support.
Q: What if someone still doesn’t believe me?
Unfortunately, some people won’t, no matter how clear you make it to them. They might dismiss you, doubt you, or even side with your abuser. That says more about them than it does about you.
If someone can't—or won’t—see the truth, it's not your job to convince them. It's your job to stay safe and grounded in your truth.
Look for people who understand trauma. Seek out abuse-informed counselors/coaches, churches that take a stand against abuse, or support groups with women who have walked this road.
You deserve to be believed, even if others can’t yet understand.
Words of Truth
You are not weak for struggling.
You are not dramatic for hurting.
You are not wrong for wanting peace.
You’ve been surviving in silence for a long time. But silence is not safety. And isolation is not protection. Finding your voice is not about screaming your story—it’s about telling the truth, even if your voice shakes at first. That’s how healing begins, when we speak the truth.
Use the words you have. Speak from your heart. And if someone doesn’t understand or refuses to believe you—mark that person, and keep seeking out those who will.
You are not crazy. You are not alone. And you are not without hope.
If you need resources, here are a few:
The Hotline (Domestic Abuse Help): 1−800−799−7233
Google your local domestic violence shelters.
One on one trauma and abuse informed coaching: click here.
Darah Ashlie
Darah Ashlie is the President of Restored for Good Ministries, a Trauma and Abuse Recovery Coach, and an avid writer with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.