When God Seems to Bless an Abuser’s Ministry: Wrestling with Miracles, Ministry, and Hidden Harm in the Home
Years ago when I finally began to understand—really understand—that what I was experiencing in my marriage wasn’t just difficult but abusive, one of my deepest spiritual struggles came into sharp focus: “Why would God allow such clear blessings to flow through a marriage that was also causing so much harm?”
I saw miracles unfold through our family. Real ones. Life-changing ones. Most of them, it seemed to me, came through my husband. He was the visible one—the one leading, moving our family from one mission post to the next.
And yet, behind closed doors, there was another reality: he was inflicting deep emotional pain, spiritually abusing us, and physically intimidating myself and our son. Despite him holding fast to the reasoning that he never hurt us “on purpose," that never stopped us from being deeply affected and hurt.
The Questions Abuse Creates
I was praying too—desperately—but it was his prayers that seemed to open heaven during those years. And it led me to begin asking:
Why would God bless our family through the hands of someone who was hurting us?
Why did God seem to work through him when we were suffering in silence?
Why would God answer the prayers of a man who was choosing to abuse his family?
These questions haunted me and kept me frozen in an abusive marriage far longer than I should have stayed. One of the most painful parts wasn’t just enduring the abuse—it was trying to make sense of how the miracles could exist alongside it.
How could God allow such visible blessing and such private harm to unfold at the same time?
When Blessings and Abuse Collide
In my journey, I discovered something that changed everything: God working through a person’s public ministry—no matter how “fruitful”—doesn’t mean He approves of everything they’re doing behind closed doors.
He sometimes works in spite of people, not because of them.
He uses broken vessels to reveal His purpose—but that doesn’t mean their unrepentant brokenness should be excused or ignored. God doesn’t leave grievous sin unchecked.
This truth is deeply personal to me.
I lived in the tension of witnessing undeniable blessings while enduring hidden abuse. I wrestled with Scripture, studied God’s heart for the oppressed, and cried out for clarity—asking Him to make sense of my story. And I believe He has.
Early in my marriage I saw God’s hand moving, right from the beginning when we were both new to our faith. We began tithing even though we were buried in my husband’s debt. That year, our bills fell into collections. But by tax season, we received a $20,000 refund—within exactly $100 to pay everything off. It was the first real miracle I had ever experienced.
Later, when we served as missionaries, my husband prayed for a mission plane—and his former employer ended up donating six instead, worth millions, which he then distributed to various mission projects.
Then fast forward, and a couple gifted us $15,000—almost the exact amount we had been praying for to build a home in South America where we were going to serve as missionaries. Another time, during our separation, while I was still holding out hope for our marriage, an old 401(k) account which we thought had been closed for years appeared with $126,000, right when we needed it most. These all felt like unimaginable blessings and miracles to me.
Provision. Timing. Miracles. And yet—behind it all—there was deep pain. My son and I were suffering in silence. It was all so confusing. And it was heartbreaking.
It was the very thing that kept me stuck because I wrestled with the thought, “If God is bringing blessings through our marriage, or more specifically, I thought, because of my husband, how can I walk away?”
But I also knew if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to survive many more years of the chaos that defined our marriage.
The Question Many Christian Women Ask
Now, years later, I work with women in similar situations. Women married to pastors, missionaries, ministry leaders—men who are highly respected, often seen as gifted or anointed, or outwardly successful.
And they’re left asking the same question I once asked: “How can God use him… if he’s doing this to us?”
If that’s you, I want you to know: You’re not crazy for questioning. And you’re not unspiritual for noticing the contradiction.
These are hard questions. And after years of walking through it myself and alongside others, here’s what I’ve come to believe.
God Uses Imperfect People—But That Doesn’t Mean He Endorses Sin
Scripture is filled with stories of God working through sinful people.
David. Solomon. Abraham. Jonah. Samson.
Let’s look at Solomon in particular. He was the son of Bathsheba and David—a marriage that began from David’s adultery and murder. God clearly judged David’s actions, yet later, He still chose to bless the second child of that union. Solomon became king. Through him, we now have Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon—books filled with divine wisdom.
And yet, Solomon himself failed deeply.
“As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord…” —1 Kings 11:4
Despite being chosen, anointed, and gifted—Solomon was led into idolatry by not guarding his heart. He clearly didn’t practice what he preached: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” —Proverbs 4:23
Still, God used him to write some of the most profound wisdom found in the Bible.
We Have to Look at the Whole Story
Just because a man is blessed in ministry at one point—or seems anointed or has experienced miracles as a result of his prayers—does not mean those things seal his relationship with God for life.
It can be helpful to zoom out and see the full story.
We can look at the Israelites and see this. God performed incredible miracles for them: parting the Red Sea, raining down manna, giving them water from a rock—all in response to prayers and Moses’ intercession. But even after all that, they turned from Him. They grumbled and complained. They worshiped idols. And eventually, that entire generation perished in the wilderness and never entered the promised land because of their disobedience and hard hearts (Numbers 14:30–35).
Or look at Gideon. God called him from a lowly, hidden place and used him mightily to defeat the Midianites with only 300 men (Judges 7)—a stunning miracle. But later in life, Gideon’s heart shifted. After victory and serving God for a time, he created an ephod (an idol) that became a snare to him and his family.
“All Israel prostituted themselves by worshiping it there, and it became a snare to Gideon and his family.” —Judges 8:27
His early faith didn’t protect him from eventual spiritual drift.
This is the sobering truth: a strong start in faith does not excuse a corrupt end for anyone.
God’s faithfulness may have marked a man’s life in the past—but if that same man is now hurting others, abusing power, and walking in unrepentant sin, we have to be honest about what that means. Miracles and ministry work are not a lifetime guarantee of godliness.
When the Fruit Is Real but the Tree Is Rotten
Jesus said, “By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:16), and so, often, we think if the fruit looks good—lives changed, prayers answered, sermons preached—that must mean the root can’t be diseased. It’s confusing. Because we think, “If good is happening, doesn’t that prove the person is good?”
But Jesus wasn’t talking about fruit in terms of sermons preached or results gained, but the fruit of someone’s character. Love. Integrity. Humility. So when someone is sowing manipulation, control, and abuse, no matter how powerful their ministry seems, Jesus says that those actions are the real fruit we need to pay attention to.
We can see that in the verses that come next: Matthew 7:21-23, “Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in your name? And in your name cast our devils? And in your name done many wonderful works?” And to this Jesus says: “And then I will profess unto them, I never knew you; depart from me, you who work inequity.”
Here’s the thing—sometimes, God allows results for the sake of others—even when the messenger has gone astray.
The Gospel still has power, even when spoken by broken people. Paul wrote in Philippians 1:15–18 that some preached Christ from selfish motives, yet still, Christ was preached—and because of that, he rejoiced. God can use someone in spite of their sin, not because of it.
In my own story, I finally came to understand that God was not honoring abuse. Because He never “sides” with abuse. Rather, He was hearing the cries of all involved, mine included. And He was working despite my ex-husband’s sin—not because of it.
God is merciful and complex. And sometimes He allows blessings to fall where we can’t make sense of them—not as a stamp of approval, but because He is accomplishing something broader, and because He cares for the people being touched by His miracles and provisions.
Including, in my story, the people who benefited from the donated airplanes in remote villages. And those who heard a message of salvation during our years as missionaries, who as a result, came to know Christ.
But even still, none of that ever justified the abuse. Ever.
God Is Patient with Sinners—But He Is Also Just
As I mentioned earlier, I understand how easy it can be to confuse ministry “fruit” and results with God’s approval.
But here’s the bottom line: yes, David was still king after his affair and raping Bathsheba. But there were deep and dire consequences:
His first child with Bathsheba died.
His family was marked by dysfunction and violence from that point forward.
He experienced deep personal grief and brokenness.
David repented deeply, probably like no other human ever has. And God forgave, because He is a God of forgiveness and mercy just as much as justice.
And though Solomon’s judgment came after his death—it did come:
“Since this is your attitude… I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you.” —1 Kings 11:11
The kingdom was divided and generations suffered.
So while God is patient and full of grace, He does not overlook sin—especially sin committed by spiritual leaders. And neither should we.
A wife can love her husband. We can honor our ministry leaders. But if they are living in unrepentant sin, godly love does not mean tolerating abuse. It never has.
And though it’s painful to admit, some people truly are wolves in sheep’s clothing and others are biblical fools who don’t know how to stop harming others. Jesus Himself warned us to watch out for these people—even if they’re the ones closest to us.
The Church Should Never Protect Abusers
If a spiritual leader is:
Abusing his wife or children
Manipulating or spiritually coercing people
Engaging in sexual misconduct
Molesting someone inside or outside the congregation
Then the response shouldn’t be: “But isn’t God still using him?”
Instead, the question should be: “What do justice and truth require of us right now?” Because how we answer this could be the very means of freeing the victim as well as holding the sinner accountable, which may be his only saving grace.
And the answer is clear:
Call the police if the offense warrants it.
Report the abuse to the civil authorities.
Remove him from ministry—immediately.
Believe, protect and support the victims.
God is clear on how He feels about us mingling our affections for those who do deeply damaging things to others.
“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” —Ephesians 5:11
Too many churches have tried to “handle” abuse privately. To protect the ministry. To avoid scandal. But what that really does is protect the abuser—and abandon the victims. It leaves victims questioning if they should even speak up—because everyone else has made it clear they will side with their abuser.
God never asks us to protect image over integrity. And He never aligns with covering up evil for the sake of influence. While churches think that silence will protect the image of the church, it actually becomes a beacon to the wounded to never step foot into that church again.
Are You Still Wrestling?
If you’ve been told to “stay quiet,” or “wait on God to work,” or “protect your husband’s ministry,” or believe as I did that God must want you to endure what’s happening in your marriage—you may need to hear this:
That is not the heart of God.
God does not ask women to be martyrs for someone else’s sin.
God does not condone cruelty behind closed doors, so He can bless ministries publicly.
God does not silence His daughters in the name of “unity” or winning converts.
And God has a million in one ways to reach those your husband is reaching right now. He can do the work far and above what any human being can do. If you want your husband to experience the true measure of God’s blessings, then allow him to be held accountable for his actions, and to work through his deep pain and hurt that lead him to act in ways that go against God.
You Don’t Need a Burning Bush to Leave
If you’ve been waiting for a lightning bolt of clarity before taking the next step, hear this: God has already spoken through truth, through Scripture, and through the pain you feel. Abuse is not something you need a second opinion on. Safety is a valid reason to leave. And God will walk with you in that decision—not abandon you because of it.
Speaking up is not sin.
Reporting abuse is not rebellion.
Leaving or separating from an abusive marriage is not faithlessness.
It’s courage.
It’s teaching your children that God cares for you and them.
It’s a step towards healing and restoration.
And often, it’s the very thing that allows you and your children to retain your relationship with God.
I’ve seen it far too many times. A wife stays because her church has convinced her that it’s God’s will to continue praying, submitting, and trying to “win” her husband to God, so by the time she has to leave for safety, or due to absolute exhaustion, she can no longer believe in the goodness of God.
I don’t want that for you, and neither does God.
Accountability Creates the Path to Real Repentance
God is a God of restoration—but restoration doesn’t begin with silence.
It begins with truth, boundaries and consequences.
And it begins when those who do harm are removed from positions of power, so they can focus on their own healing—not their platform and pride.
Naming abuse is not about vengeance. It’s about creating the conditions where repentance can actually begin. Without truth, there won’t be real change.
What to Do With the Miracles
If you’re still confused because the results look so real—the miracles are undeniable, people are coming to Christ through your husband’s ministry—please hear me:
You don’t have to discard the miracles.
They can be real.
But they don’t excuse the harm.
They don’t mean God was or is siding with your abusive spouse.
And they don’t prove your marriage was or is healthy.
What they do prove is this: God is good.
That He was working in those moments because He loved you and others—and because that’s who He is.
I also believe God doesn’t want your husband to be lost. But remember, He didn’t want the Israelites to be lost, either. He performed stunning miracles for them—but they didn’t allow their hearts to be changed. And because of that, they never entered the promised land.
As much as you want him to be, maybe your husband isn’t willing either.
That’s a hard reality—I know, I’ve been there. But God invites us to a radical commitment to the truth. Because only the truth can set us free.
It’s OK for us to hold onto the miracle—but release the myth.
Healing Takes Time
It’s OK to treasure what God has done without rewriting your pain.
And trust that God was never blessing the abuse—but He may have been working to bless you or others, even in the middle of it.
God hates abuse.
He sees behind every closed door.
He hears every cry you’ve prayed through tears.
And He does not require your silence.
“The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, He hates with a passion.” —Psalm 11:5
You are not crazy.
You are not overreacting.
And you are not alone.
Resources for the Journey
If you’re in a marriage or ministry context where the public image doesn’t match the private pain—you don’t have to walk through that alone.
➡️ For free resources to help if you’re experiencing abuse, click here.
➡️ For a free Clarity Call to find support for your marriage, click here.
Whether you're just starting to name the abuse or already on the path to healing, you deserve support, truth, and safety.
No matter how gifted or charismatic your husband may be, no matter how many people he has brought into the church, or how large his ministry platform is—it never excuses abuse. God is not impressed by platforms that are built on the backs of broken families.
None of it excuses harm.
God is not fooled by sermons that hide sin.
He is not impressed by platforms built on pain.
And He is not absent from your suffering.
There is life on the other side of even a hard truth.
There is hope after harm.
And there is a God who still sees you and your children.
Darah Ashlie
Darah Ashlie is the President of Restored for Good Ministries, a Trauma and Abuse Recovery Coach, and an avid writer with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.