When His Pain Becomes Your Prison: When Compassion Keeps You Trapped in Abuse

BoundariesAbuse
Written By Darah Ashlie

Q&A for Women Navigating Manipulation, Guilt, and Control in Toxic Relationships

“You will know them by their fruits.”
— Matthew 7:16

On the blog, I routinely answer anonymous questions, and today I’m digging into a hard but important topic: Does a man’s trauma excuse his abusive behavior? If you’re wrestling with this in your own relationship, I pray these words bring clarity, truth, and hope to your situation.

Question: 

Dear Darah, 

I really need help! I love my husband deeply. I’ve prayed for him, stood by him, and believed the best about him. But over the years, he has hurt me—repeatedly. He doesn’t hit me, but hurts me with his words, his coldness, and his silence. He’s mocked my emotions at times, called me too sensitive, ignored my needs, criticized my efforts, and even laughed when I was in pain. And yet… I still feel sorry for him!

He had a hard childhood. He says he’s broken. He struggles with anxiety, depression, abandonment wounds. Sometimes he cries and says I’m the only one who’s ever really loved him. Other times, he gets angry and says I’ll ruin his life if I ever leave. He’s even threatened to hurt himself. And everyone I have shared this with, feels sorry for him and says just give him time, or excuses his actions because of his hard past.

So I keep asking myself… Is this just what it means to love someone through their pain? Am I expecting too much? Is it me? I feel like I am slowly losing myself and the relationship really doesn’t feel safe. I don’t even know anymore. I just know I’m exhausted, confused, and always second-guessing myself.

Answer:

Dear sister in Christ,

It sounds like you're carrying a deep ache right now—trying to make sense of a relationship where love and pain have become painfully tangled. You love him. You’ve seen his brokenness—maybe he’s told you stories of childhood abandonment, deep sorrow, or emotional trauma. He says he’s hurting. He says he loves you—passionately, but it feels painful instead. But his love doesn’t feel safe. It feels heavy, confusing, even painful. And when you try to pull away, he may cry, spiral, or even threaten to harm himself.

So now you’re left asking the question: “Is this still love… or has it become abuse?”

Let me speak to your heart, gently but truthfully:
His emotional pain does not excuse abusive behavior.
You are not responsible for healing a man who continues to harm you.

That’s what we’re going to talk about in this post. My prayer is that these words bring you clarity—truth wrapped in compassion, grounded in Scripture, supported by research, and rooted in the heart of Christ.

Let’s Break This Down Together: 

“He says he doesn’t mean to hurt me, so it’s not abuse... right?”

No, that’s not how abuse works.

Many abusive men say, “I don’t mean to hurt you,” or “I lash out because I’m hurting.” This may sound sincere, even tragic—but it is a deflection of responsibility.

Abuse is not defined by intention.
It’s defined by its impact.

Even if he feels pain, he is still choosing to control, belittle, threaten, or manipulate you. That’s not love—that’s coercive control, and it has an impact on you. Beyond this, it’s sinful (Galatians 5:19-21).

While an abusive person may genuinely feel hurt and pain, that doesn’t give them a right to lash out at others because of their pain. And all too often, I have seen abusive people use their pain to justify their harmful actions, instead of seeking help and healing.

Jesus never excused sin based on emotional wounds. He showed compassion, yes—but always called for repentance, not rationalization.

And the truth is many of us have hard pasts, but we don’t all use it to harm others. He can do better, if he chooses to. 

“But he’s so pitiful sometimes. He cries, he says he loves me, and he’s sorry…”

This is what’s known as intermittent reinforcement—the confusing, heartbreaking cycle of abuse where cruelty is followed by affection. It keeps you hooked by giving you just enough hope to stay. (That’s why it’s important to not stay hooked on false hope: read more here.)

This is not love. It’s psychological bondage.

Let’s be clear: tears and apologies do not equal repentance. Judas Iscariot wept too—but his sorrow led him to destruction, not transformation (Matthew 27:3-5).

True repentance bears fruit:

  • Changed behavior

  • Long-term humility

  • Deep accountability

  • Zero manipulation

“He threatens to kill himself if I leave. Am I responsible if he does something?”

This is one of the most emotionally devastating tactics an abuser can use. It’s called coercive control—a way of making you responsible for his life so you feel you can’t ever leave, no matter what he does to you.

Let’s be very clear: You are not responsible for someone else’s choices.
Not even if he is hurting. Not even if he says he can’t live without you.

In fact, research shows that when abusers threaten suicide to manipulate a partner, it increases the risk of violence, including lethality (Campbell et al., 2003). According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, suicide threats in response to boundaries or a breakup are major red flags (The Hotline, 2023).

He may never directly say “I’ll hurt you,” but when he says things like:

  • “I hope you hurt like I do”

  • “You’ll be sorry”

  • “You ruined my life”

  • “If you leave, I’ll kill myself”

…those are emotional threats designed to instill fear and guilt.

Even Jesus—full of mercy—never stayed in places where people sought to destroy Him (John 10:39). You are allowed to walk away from danger. You can always call the police if you feel he is going to hurt himself. They are equipped to handle these situations, and it removes you from being the one to “talk him down off the ledge.” 

This isn’t being cold or uncaring, in fact, calling in others who can actually connect him with the help he needs, is the most caring thing you can do. 

“He had a terrible childhood. Isn’t it my job to help him heal?”

You can love someone with compassion. But you cannot fix someone who refuses to take charge of his own healing.

Yes, trauma leaves scars. Maybe he had a narcissistic mother, or an an emotionally neglectful or abusive father. But his brokenness does not give him the right to break you.

Many women are led to believe that Christian love means endless endurance. But, the truth is: Christ-like love does not enable sin to continue. Christ’s love is rooted in truth and does not delight in evil (1 Corinthians 13:6). And husband’s are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25).

But unfortunately, many women have been given a wrong view of love from their social circles. Your mother may say, “Oh, I just can’t help but feel sorry for him, he’s had such a rough life.” Or a friend at church might ask, “Well, what kind of stress is he under right now?”—as if his stress justifies his cruelty. As if your suffering doesn’t count, but his excuses do. (Read more here about Retraumatization From Helpers Here) 

Stress is not a permission slip for sin. A hard past or childhood is not a license to wound someone else. And just because you love your spouse and can empathize with his struggles, doesn’t mean you have to give him an open invitation to mistreat you.

Jesus never taught that love meant becoming someone’s emotional punching bag. He healed many—but He always left people with a choice: “Do you want to be well?” (John 5:6)

If your spouse does not want to be well—if he chooses control, blame, and manipulation—then your love cannot reach him. That is not your fault.

Healing is a choice. Abuse is a choice.

“But he’s not physically violent. Does it still count as abuse?”

Yes. Abuse is not just physical—it can be:

  • Emotional (gaslighting, guilt-tripping, verbal attacks)

  • Spiritual (using Scripture to control or shame)

  • Financial (withholding money, controlling resources)

  • Sexual (coercion, manipulation, non-consensual acts)

  • Psychological (isolation, fear, obsession, threats of self-harm)

If you feel like you're walking on eggshells… if your identity is fading… if your relationship with God feels distorted—you’re are likely experiencing at least some abusive dynamics.

Abuse is about power and control—not bruises (*Read more here.) 

“How do I know if I’m in danger if he hasn’t threatened me directly or physically hurt me?”

Here’s what the research says:

According to Dr. Jacquelyn Campbell’s Danger Assessment, the following factors increase the risk of lethality, even when there are no direct threats:

  • Obsessive jealousy

  • Suicide threats

  • Controlling behavior

  • Stalking

  • Escalating manipulation

  • Past history of abuse
    (Campbell et al., 2003)

Just because a man hasn’t raised a hand doesn’t mean you’re safe.

When someone says things like, “If I can’t have you, no one can,” it’s not romance, it’s possession. And that’s dangerous.

“He went through a course for abusive men. Isn’t that proof he’s changing?”

Not necessarily. Real change isn’t about attendance—it’s about consistent, long-term fruit.

Some men attend these programs to appease someone (a wife, the courts, a pastor), not because they’re truly repentant. A changed man won’t just say the right words—he will:

  • Take full ownership without excuses

  • Stop manipulating your emotions

  • Respect your boundaries without pushback

  • Allow you to walk away without threats or guilt

Jesus said, “Every good tree bears good fruit… but a bad tree bears bad fruit” (Matthew 7:17). If the fruit of his life is still emotional instability, obsession, control, and confusion—he hasn’t changed.

So What Should I Do?

First, hear this in love: you are not crazy and you’re not overreacting.

Here are some next steps:

1. Speak with a DV Advocate

  • Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.):
    1-800-799-SAFE (7233), thehotline.org

  • Or you can reach out here: Free Clarity Call, for a free 30 minute zoom call to start making sense of what’s going on and talk about your next steps.

Either option can help you create a safety-plan without judgment or pressure.

2. Involve Safe People

  • A trusted therapist, coach, pastor (who understands abuse), friend, or support group.

  • Stay away from pastors, friends and counselors/coaches who push reconciliation without accountability—this can re-traumatize you.

3. Document Everything

  • Keep messages, threats, voicemails, manipulation—store them safely.

  • These may be needed if you pursue legal protection.

4. Set Boundaries—and Keep Them

  • You do not owe him access to your heart or your healing.

  • If needed, block communication.

  • Remember: peace is not unkind. Silence is not cruelty. Boundaries are not sin.

5. Lean Into the Heart of Christ

Jesus came to set captives free—not send them back to chains (Luke 4:18). He weeps for what you’ve endured. He honors your courage to see clearly and to choose a healthy life.

Heart to Heart

Sister, I know the ache. I know the confusion. I know how much you wanted the love to be real.

But Christ is not the author of chaos, fear, or manipulation. He is the Good Shepherd who leads you beside still waters. He is the One who says to you now:

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
— Matthew 11:28

Let Him carry what was never yours to hold.

You don’t have to save your husband—in fact, you can’t. You don’t have to stay where you’re not safe. You are already loved, chosen, and free.

References

Darah Ashlie

Darah Ashlie is the President of Restored for Good Ministries, a Trauma and Abuse Recovery Coach, and an avid writer with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.

Darah Ashlie
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