Helping Children Navigate Harm in the Home
Raising Them in Truth and Safety
If you’re reading this, your heart may be carrying the heavy weight of trying to keep your children safe in a home that doesn’t feel safe, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, or physically.
Let me start by saying, no child should ever have to navigate deep dysfunction or abuse. That was never God’s design.
However, if you find yourself in this place—trying to make sense of what’s happening while doing your best to protect your kiddos, I hope these words offer both grace and guidance. It isn’t your fault that you’re having to navigate these things.
I want to acknowledge that some women in unsafe and unsustainable marriages feel the need to stay in the home for a time. This may be while their husbands are genuinely working toward becoming safe and making real changes. Or they may stay temporarily while working to gain financial stability so they can move out. But here’s the caveat: if your children or you are ever in imminent danger, it’s vital to begin taking steps immediately to remove yourself from the home.
Danger doesn’t only mean direct physical violence. It can also mean escalating emotional, verbal, or any sexual abuse. If you or your children begin showing signs of desperation, hopelessness, or of harming yourselves or others it’s important to speak to someone right away. This is not safe, and it warrants making plans to move to safety, whether that means your husband leaving the home or you and your children finding a temporary or permanent place to stay.
Abuse, addictions, and betrayal are deeply confusing for us as adults, but even more so for children and teens. It can shape how they see the world and themselves. So our goal as parents is to do all we can to help lessen those effects and begin creating a healthy and safe home environment.
If there’s been dysfunction, sexual betrayal, addiction, or abuse in your marriage, your children have likely sensed it—or may even be highly aware of it. Kids in these environments often feel destabilized and unsafe at their core, even if they never say so.
"The parent's delicate task is to facilitate open communication without burdening the child with excess information or decision making. A useful arrangement is for the parent to agree to keep the child up to date about the situation, including events that are of concern. This saves the child from constantly having to interpret the seriousness of the situation from the parent's mood or other "clues." (1)
As you navigate these realities, two common pitfalls are important to avoid:
1. Oversharing with your children—which places adult burdens on them.
2. Denying or excusing harmful behavior—covering up for your spouse or minimizing what’s happening (i.e.. “Daddy didn’t mean to, he’s just stressed”)
When we overshare or deny what’s happening, it can place invisible burdens on our children that they are not equipped to handle. But here’s the good news: it’s never too late to start repairing and doing things differently.
Why Oversharing Hurts Kids
When we lean too heavily on our children for support or share too many details about the marriage, it can create unhealthy patterns like triangulation or parentification. This can cause children to:
1. Dismiss their own needs because they’ve been trained to carry everyone else’s pain.
2. Struggle with boundaries. Because the lines have been blurred; they can’t tell what’s theirs to carry and what belongs to others.
3. Push away more strongly as they grow up, while they try to reclaim their own identity apart from their parents’ problems.
Try instead: Sharing at age-appropriate levels. Every child deserves a childhood, where they are free to just be a kid and not to carry our grown-up pain. We can help them process what they’re feeling. Normalize their emotions. It’s okay to say, “This has been hard for me too”— but leave the heavy details for the counseling office.
Why Denial Hurts Kids
On the other hand, when we deny the abuse, minimize it, or make excuses (“Daddy’s just tired or upset,”) kids may:
1. Grow up feeling invisible, unprotected, or like their pain doesn’t matter.
2. Assume that the tension in the home is their fault.
3. Struggle to trust their own perceptions, because they’re continually told what hurts isn’t really that bad.
4. Learn it’s okay to behave in similar ways because no one is modeling otherwise.
Try instead: Without oversharing, frame what’s happening in a way that corrects what they are seeing and reassures them: “What’s happening is not okay and it’s not your fault. I’m doing everything I can to keep us safe.”
Practical Ways to Support Your Children:
Here are a few principles to help your kids navigate difficult dynamics at home until you can get to a healthier and safer place or learn to set better boundaries:
1. Affirm them often. Let them know what’s happening is not their fault.
2. Protect them. Seek counseling and other safe spaces away from the conflict.
3. Apologize when needed. If you’ve overshared, minimized, or snapped at them under the stress, own it. Humble apologies go further than we think—but also make sure you work on not repeating these behaviors. This lets your children know at least one parent is safe and consistent.
4. Model boundaries. If your husband gets elevated, stay calm and firm. Don’t accept bad behavior, but don’t match his dysfunction either. Set limits on what’s not okay and calmly walk away from destructive patterns when it’s safe to do so.
What To Teach Your Children:
Before you talk with your kids about what’s happening, take time to center yourself. Reflect on your own emotions. Children will feel safer if you remain calm and steady. Our nervous systems often mirror one another.
Here are a few truths you can share with them:
1. “When someone is hurting you, it’s never your fault.” Bad behavior reflects their heart, not your worth (Psalm 34:18).
2. “Always tell someone if you’re being hurt.” God gives us safe people to help protect us (Proverbs 27:9). It’s never wrong to the truth about harm. Reassure them that you will do the same.
3. “Protect your soul by responding like Jesus.” Sometimes Jesus stayed silent, and sometimes He needed to find safety. We’re not excusing sin but choosing how we respond to keep us safe.
4. “You can only control what’s yours to control.” We can’t change Dad, but we can guard our hearts by not arguing and removing ourselves when it’s safe to do so (Galatians 6:5, Proverbs 15:1).
Creating Safety and Stability
Here are some additional ways to support your children (some of which will need to be done in a private away from your spouse):
1. Offer comfort often. Let them know you love them and reassure them you are there to keep them safe.
2. Make room for joy. Continue creating memories with your kids, have fun with them. Encourage their strengths and celebrate what they do well. They need extra affirmation in critical or stressful environments. If you’re exhausted, it’s okay to simplify routines for a season and focus on meaningful, simpler time together.
3. Create space for their feelings. They may feel angry, sad, scared, fearful, or numb. They may even lash out. And while you want to help them stop their own bad behavior, you will first want to try to see their hurting hearts and what might be causing their actions. These are all normal emotions when abused or witnessing abuse. Let them know you are there for them. Let them talk—or not talk, without pressure.
4. Acknowledge their awareness. Children are excellent observers, but not always great interpreters. So, it’s important to acknowledge what’s happening in age-appropriate ways, to validate their feelings, and reassure them that they are not to blame.
5. Stay calm. Your calm presence helps them stay calm. Let them know it is not their job to stop arguments, but if they ever see someone being physically harmed, they should call 911 or a trusted adult.
Helping your children heal doesn’t require you to have all the answers. This is a confusing season for everyone; no one responds perfectly to this kind of chaos. But if you stay committed to truth, safety, and creating, you are making a difference. God will fill in the gaps. He sees what you’re carrying and is in this with you. He desires protection for your children every bit as much as you do.
(1) Stuber ML, Mesrkhani VH. "What do we tell the children?": Understanding childhood grief." Western Journal of Medicine. 2001 Mar;174(3):187-91. doi:
10.1136/ewjm.174.3.187. PMID: 11238354; PMCID: PMC1071311.
Darah Ashlie
Darah Ashlie is an author, speaker, and coach with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.