Re-traumatized: When Your “Support” System Protects Your Abuser
Well-meaning friends, family, and church communities can sometimes cause deeper harm when someone is experiencing abuse. Many survivors who reach out for help find themselves retraumatized by the very people who should be protecting them.
Women who have shared their experiences of abuse often report hearing things like:
“I finally opened up… and they made me feel like the sinner.”
“They said I should pray more. Submit more. Stay longer.”
“They said, ‘He’s just under stress.’ But so am I—from him.”
If this is you, I hope this brings some clarity and healing to your wounds.
If you've ever walked away from a conversation feeling more confused, more silenced, and somehow more guilty after sharing your pain—you’re not alone.
One of the most devastating aspects of abuse isn’t always the abuse itself. It’s the retraumatization that occurs when the people around you—those who should be protecting you—end up defending the one who is hurting you. Whether they mean to or not, their words and actions can cut just as deeply.
You may hear things like:
“He’s had such a rough childhood.”
“You know men just don’t process emotions the same.”
“Are you sure it’s really abuse?”
“Well, no marriage is perfect.”
“Boys will be boys.”
And suddenly, you’re not just hurting—you’re doubting your own reality. You wonder if maybe you are expecting too much or if you are the problem. Maybe if you just had more faith. More patience. More grace.
But friend—love does not mean losing yourself. And support that silences or dismisses your needs or pain is not support at all.
When 'Support' Wounds: Understanding Re-traumatization
In trauma research, when someone you confide in responds dismissively, judgmentally, or with shame, that can feel like a second abuse—what professionals call secondary victimization. Many survivors of sexual violence fear negative reactions—responses they compare to “a second rape,” so they avoid disclosing what happened to them (Kilpatrick et al., 1992; Sudderth, 1998). Formal systems (police, medical, clergy) are frequently seen and experienced as less supportive and more victim-blaming. These responses contribute to PTSD severity, self-blame, and withdrawal (Ullman & Filipas, 2001).
Survivors of domestic violence share similar experiences. When friends, family, or spiritual leaders minimize their pain, invite self-blame, or shift focus to the abuser’s struggles, the betrayal cuts deeply.
Research into social network responses indicates that even well-intentioned people often misunderstand how to respond. They may think they're being caring, while survivors feel invalidated or worse (Sullivan et al., 2022).
Why People Protect the Abuser—Unintentionally or Not
Why do loving people sometimes default to excusing the abuser?
Avoidance of discomfort: Confronting abuse is emotionally unsettling. It forces people to face fear, anger, grief, and moral responsibility. Many would rather soften a painful truth than sit with that discomfort or risk conflict.
Protecting the image of “good guy”: A husband, son, or pastor can be held in high esteem. Admitting he's abusive threatens a group or family’s cohesion.
Misguided compassion: Saying “he had a rough life or is in a stressful season” may feel compassionate—but it protects the one who is causing the damage, not the wounded.
Often family, friends and the church offer a confusing assortment of help and harm. When this is mixed in with a survivor’s already conflicting views on the relationship, it creates what researchers call relational ambivalence. Meaning a victim becomes confused on whether they want to stay in the relationship or not. Often the people around them are sending mixed messages—offering support one moment while minimizing or excusing the abuse the next. This inconsistency makes it harder for survivors to heal, trust their own judgment, or make clear decisions about the relationship and their own safety (Goodman & Smyth, 2011).
Spiritual Gaslighting: Scripture and Advice Misused as Chains
Using Christian language to pacify or confine victims is heartbreaking to watch unfold.
I’ve heard women say things like: “My church told me to endure like Christ, even though I was being screamed at and called names nightly.”
But enduring injustice is not what Christ modeled. His love always carried a cost—and it was rooted in truth not passivity.
On the other end of the spectrum, some responses are well-intentioned but deeply uninformed. People may suggest, “Just take a marriage course,” or “Just get couples counseling,” or “Have the church bless your marriage.” While these resources can be helpful in healthy relationships, they do not address the destruction taking place in an abusive one. When applied in situations of active abuse, they can actually gaslight survivors—implying the problem is relational or spiritual effort, rather than ongoing harm and control.
Abuse is not a marriage problem. It is a safety problem. Treating it as something that can be fixed with shared tools or mutual repentance minimizes the reality of abuse and places an unfair burden on the victim to endure what should never be endured.
When someone urges you to “submit more” or “pray harder” in response to abuse, that deters from your pain and need for solutions and places the focus on “your” spiritual failure. Their advice can sound like “spiritual maturity,” but it’s not. It actually just keeps you feeling trapped when you do all those things and nothing changes. That is not love or faith. That’s betrayal from those who should be protecting you (even if they don’t know this is what they’re doing).
Real-Life Retraumatization
Here are some real examples of what this can look like:
A woman confides in her mother about emotional abuse. Her mother replies, “He’s under so much stress—try being more understanding.” She walks away feeling like she is the problem.
A pastor asks, “What did you do to provoke him?” The victim leaves convinced she must have deserved it.
A friend says, “Well, he’s had a hard life.” Suddenly, her suffering is overshadowed by his past, and the message is clear: her pain is excused because of his.
Friends or family may tell a survivor after finding safety, “You just need to get over it now, and move on.” This dismisses the ongoing trauma and healing process, implying their pain is no longer valid simply because the immediate danger has passed. It pressures them to suppress emotions that need attention, leaving them isolated, unheard, and guilty for still struggling. Healing doesn’t end when the abuse stops—sometimes it’s just beginning. Healing requires time, support, and acknowledgment of the specific abuses.
These aren’t isolated stories. Institutional betrayal—when trusted structures like courts or churches retraumatize survivors—is well documented. Survivors report lasting mental health damage, self-doubt, grief, and even physical ailments after repeated invalidation by institutions meant to help (Douglas, 2022).
The Spiritual Cost of Compassion Without Truth
Compassion disconnected from justice can unintentionally mean becoming complicit with harm. When your circle extends grace to the abuser but sends you home alone with your wounds—that is not grace. That is enabling cruelty in the name of kindness.
Jesus loved deeply—but He also said “come out of her, My people” (Revelation 18:4). He called lies what they are and restored dignity to the broken. True Christian love is never found in silencing victims.
What True Support Sounds Like
There is a way forward, but it needs to be grounded in truth, empathy, and boundaries. Here are examples of what real support should sound like:
“I believe you.”
“You don’t deserve this.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“You are not choosing grace or forgiveness by staying—you are choosing harm.”
“You deserve safety—how can I help you find it?”
Trauma-informed care will emphasize safety, choice, trust, collaboration, and empowerment. Draw closer to friends and family and helpers who listen to you without judgment, honor your pace, and support you—not the marriage—in making healthy decisions. If your spouse truly heals and demonstrates genuine repentance over time, the marriage may then become something to thoughtfully consider. However, it’s not the starting point when abuse is active and ongoing (SAFE Austin, 2023).
Reclaiming the Truth: You Are Not to Blame
If you've been retraumatized by those who should protect you, hear this: You are not rebellious for needing boundaries. You are not unspiritual for protecting your soul. Jesus didn't die for you to be degraded and abused in His name.
Healing is messy. It may look like leaving some relationships, setting boundaries, or breaking your silence. But what the world calls "hard" may actually be holy. You bear the image of God—and His redemption is for your dignity and wholeness.
Let the lies fall away. You are of infinite worth to God and worthy of truth, safety, and love.
I encourage you to find those who can speak the truth in love; and a church and friends who can be trusted with your vulnerability. Because Christ-like love is bold—even when it’s uncomfortable for others. That is the kind of love that heals.
References
Douglas, H. (2022). The ex-factor: Addressing trauma from post-separation domestic violence as judicial terrorism. Washington University Law Review, 99(2). https://wustllawreview.org/2022/02/07/the-ex-factor-addressing-trauma-from-post-separation-domestic-violence-as-judicial-terrorism
Goodman, L. A., & Smyth, K. F. (2011). A call for a social network-oriented approach to services for survivors of intimate partner violence. Psychology of Violence, 1(2), 79–92. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0022977
Kilpatrick, D. G., Edmunds, C. N., & Seymour, A. K. (1992). Rape in America: A Report to the Nation. Arlington, VA: National Victim Center.
SAFE Austin. (2023). Supporting survivors: A trauma-informed approach. https://www.safeaustin.org/supporting-survivors-a-trauma-informed-approach/
Sudderth, .L. K. (1998). "It'll come right back at me": The Interactional Context of Discussing Rape with Others. Violence Against Women, 4, 572-594.
Sullivan, C. M., Bomsta, H. D., & Hacskaylo, M. A. (2022). Supporting survivors' healing and justice: A review of informal social support and its implications. Journal of Family Violence. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9668175
Ullman, S.E. & Filipas, H. H. (2001). Correlates of formal and informal support seeking in sexual assault victims. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 16 (10), 1028–1047. https://doi.org/10.1177/088626001016010004
Darah Ashlie
Darah Ashlie is an author, speaker, and coach with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.