What Real Change in an Abusive Partner Actually Looks Like
One of the most common struggles I hear from the women I work with is this:
“Is he actually changing… or am I just hoping he is?”
You want your marriage to heal. You’ve prayed. You’ve pleaded. You’ve adjusted your tone, your timing, your expectations. And when he says, “I’m working on it” or “I’m not the same man I was,” part of you wants so badly to believe him.
But after enough cycles of promises… apologies… brief improvements… and then the slow slide back into old patterns, it’s natural to feel confused.
You may feel torn between hope and wisdom. Between loyalty, love, and self-protection.
If that’s you, this post is for you.
Today I want to walk through a framework adapted from Lundy Bancroft’s list. His article, “Assessing Real Change in Abusive Men,” offers a sobering and clarifying checklist for discerning whether change is genuine. (You can read his original checklist here: https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/.)
I’ll summarize his points below— and add a bit of nuance if you’re a woman sitting in uncertainty, wondering what’s real.
Why It’s So Hard to Tell If He’s Changing
When you’ve lived through repeated cycles of hurt, your nervous system becomes trained to scan for hope.
And sometimes what looks like change is actually:
1. Promises Without Transformation
He says he’ll go to counseling. He reads a book. He has one vulnerable conversation. For a few weeks, things are calmer.
But change isn’t a moment of insight. It’s a sustained shift in thinking, ownership, and behavior.
2. Breadcrumbing
This is when he gives just enough improvement to keep you invested. A kind weekend. A heartfelt apology. A therapy appointment.
But the deeper power dynamics remain untouched.
Breadcrumbing keeps you hopeful without requiring him to surrender control.
3. Future Faking
This is when he paints a picture of the man he’s “becoming”:
“I’m going to be different.”
“When we move to our new location or I start my job, I know things will be better.”
"I know I’ve been absent, but I promise we’ll spend this weekend together."
The future sounds beautiful. But neither the present — nor the emerging pattern of his behavior consistently reflects that vision.
Real change lives in observable patterns — not in inspiring speeches or empty promises.
So What Does Real Change Actually Look Like?
Genuine transformation in an abusive man is not primarily about becoming “nicer.” It is about dismantling entitlement and control.
Here’s what that looks like:
1. He Fully Admits What He Has Done
No minimizing, softening, or calling his bad behavior just a “mistake.”
He names the behaviors clearly: intimidation, manipulation, coercion, control, cruelty.
And he does so without waiting for you to drag it out of him.
Partial admissions (“I shouldn’t have raised my voice, but…”) are not the same as full ownership.
2. He Stops Making Excuses
No more:
“I was stressed.”
“You triggered me.”
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“That’s just how I was raised.”
Excuses protect his ego. Ownership dismantles it.
Real change means he recognizes that abuse is not caused by stress, alcohol, trauma, or you.
It is a choice.
3. He Stops Blaming You
This one is crucial.
If at any point his “growth” still includes statements like:
“If you were more respectful…”
“If you’d let things go…”
“You’re just too sensitive…”
Then the mindset driving the abuse is still intact.
Change means he no longer frames you as the problem.
4. He Makes Amends
Not just “I’m sorry.”
Amends include:
Acknowledging specific harms
Asking what repair looks like
Accepting that trust may take a long time to rebuild
Allowing you to have anger without punishing you for it
Amends are costly. Apologies are cheap.
5. He Accepts That Abuse Is a Choice
This is foundational.
He understands that he chose control over respect.
He chose intimidation over humility.
He doesn’t describe himself as “losing control.” He recognizes he was exercising control.
That shift in thinking is vital.
6. He Identifies His Controlling Patterns — and Calls Them Wrong
He can articulate:
How he used silence to punish you
How he used financial control
How he dismissed your feelings
How he monitored or restricted you
What he did that caused you to lose trust in him
And he does not defend those behaviors, he condemns them.
7. He Examines the Beliefs Underneath
Abuse is not just behavior, it’s belief-driven.
Real change requires confronting attitudes like:
“I deserve automatic respect no matter how I act.”
“I’m the head, so I get the final word.”
“She overreacts.”
“I’m justified.”
Until those beliefs shift, the behavior will return under pressure.
8. He Sees Change as a Lifelong Process
A red flag is when a man declares himself “healed” after six months.
Real growth includes humility.
He understands that dismantling entitlement and control patterns may take years — even decades.
None of us ever graduate from accountability. Growing, healing, and maturing are an ongoing process.
9. He Doesn’t Use His Change as Leverage
Watch carefully here.
If he says:
“Now it’s your turn to work on your stuff.”
“I’ve changed — what about you?”
“After all I’ve done, you still don’t trust me?”
Then his “growth” has become a bargaining chip.
True transformation is not transactional.
10. He Doesn’t Demand Credit
He doesn’t fish for praise.
He doesn’t keep score.
He doesn’t expect applause for meeting baseline standards of human decency.
Improvement is not currency to be spent later. Which leads to an important point…
11. He Doesn’t Cash In “Good Behavior”
If he says:
“I’ve been doing so well — why are you making such a big deal about this?”
“I haven’t yelled in months.”
He is still treating non-abuse as a favor to you. Respect is not a voucher system.
12. His Behavior Changes in Concrete, Observable Ways
Not just softer tone.
Look for:
Sharing power in decisions
Carrying his share of household and parenting responsibilities
Respecting your autonomy and valuing your opinions
Changing how he handles heated conflict
Listening to your grievances without retaliation
Supporting your parenting rather than undermining it
Shifting how he speaks about women in general
Change shows up in everyday life, especially during conflict.
Anyone can behave well when things are calm.
Real change is visible when he’s frustrated, disappointed, or challenged.
13. He Accepts Consequences
This one separates surface change from deep change.
If his behavior led to:
Separation
Legal consequences
Financial strain
Damaged relationships
Children pulling away
He accepts that and takes ownership of his wrong doing.
He does not:
Feel sorry for himself
Blame you for “ruining his reputation”
Pressure you to remove boundaries so he feels better
Accountability without self-pity is a powerful indicator of transformation.
A Word to the Confused Wife
If you are unsure whether he has changed, here are three guiding questions:
Is the change consistent over time? (At least a year, not weeks.)
Is the change evident under stress?
Does the change reduce your anxiety — or are you still walking on eggshells?
Your body often knows before your brain catches up.
If you are still hypervigilant… still monitoring his moods… still managing the emotional temperature of the room…that tells you something.
Hope With Wisdom
I believe in redemption, I truly do. But, I also believe in evidence. You are not mean for expecting and requiring proof of real change.
While real change is possible, it’s rare without deep, structured accountability — often through specialized intervention programs, not just general marriage counseling.
Trust is rebuilt through sustained humility, not emotional intensity.
So, if you’re trying to discern whether your husband has truly changed, take your time. Watch for patterns, not promises. Listen for defensiveness. And give yourself permission to step out of the fog of confusion and into clarity.
You can Read Lundy Bancroft’s full checklist here:
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Darah Ashlie
Darah Ashlie is an author, speaker, and coach with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.